Letters To You
by WakingUp2Roses
Summary: Miley is the American head cheerleader who's main goal is to keep her perfect appearance in tact and Nick is her German pen pal. What will the letters contain? And what happens when they meet? Collab with xCaliforniaSunshineInMyEyes
1. Chapter 1: Pefection

The teacher turned and smiled at her large period three sophomore English class. She was in her late-twenties, had short dark brown hair, and wore a black pencil skirt that ended at her knees and a white blouse. Picking up a red dry-erase maker, she took the cap off and wrote on the white board: PEN PALS.

She rolled her eyes as she watched a few of the fifteen and sixteen year olds in her clasa groan in annoyance, but she smiled lightly as she saw a smiles spread onto some of her students' faces. Like Miley's.

"Okay," she exclaimed, "so, as most or you know, we have a school that we are linked with in Germany. And their sophomore class and our class are going to write pen pal letters back and forth with each other until he end of senior year when we go on our senior class trip and meet them! Okay, so, I am going to read off your pen pal and then, you guys are going to spend the rest of the class period writing to them, okay? Just introduce yourselves, things like that."

As the teacher, Ms. Fields, read off the pen pal names, Miley grabbed a pen and a lined piece of paper from her multi-colored polka dotted backpack. She looked down at her blue and white cheerleading outfit while thinking what to write about. Finally, after a few minutes, she decided what to write.

Dear Nick,  
>I'm not going to be fake with you because well, to tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea who you are. So, it's basically like being pen pals with a stranger. So, you're going to be the person I vent to. Okay? Let's see, here's what people know about me, I am a sophomore at East Northumberland High (obviously), I am the captain of the cheer squad, my boyfriend is the quarterback of the football (American football) team, and everyone envies me for my perfect life. But the things that people don't know? I'm struggling to keep a fake smile on my face, the perfect look is so undeniably and pathetically fake. The thing is, everyone believes it. Even my twin sister who's also my best friend, Demi. My family looks so pulled together, but the truth is, I hear my parents fighting in their room at night, my mother crying, my older sister throwing up her food, and my brother talking to dealers on he phone. Had anything ever been perfect? There was a time when I thought my life was flawless, but now? It's broken. My little sister, Noah, died last summer and my family hasn't been the same since. Demi and I try to be the strong ones. Hold it together for our families, but I see the cuts on her wrists and the way she never eats. And me? I wear a mask and at night, when I'm alone in my room, I take it off and sob myself to sleep, but I would never do drugs or cut or anything. I can't. I was her role model. I have to live for the both of us now. For both Noah and I. And the past. I have to live for the way my family used to be. I shed no tears at her funeral, I shed no tears in front of anyone, only myself. Alone. Alone. I guess that's how my life is now. Alone. The only things that keep me sane is music and cheerleading. I sing, play piano, guitar, and write music and lyrics. It's the way I pour everything out. It's my way of coping. Cheerleading was something both Noah and I loved so much. I'm a flyer and the captain. I make up the routines and come up with the music number, my sister (Demi) is the co-captain. It's so much fun. When I'm playing music and cheerleading, I actually have a smile on my face. It's such a great feeling. Well, this might not be the happiest letter ever, but it was good to get everything off my chest. Is it sad to say hat you now know more about me than anyone else? Can't wait to get your reply! And don't make it happy-go-lucky because no one's life is like that. Tell me what's really on your mind. :)<p>

Peace,

Miley Stewart

P.S- Here's my school picture. This is what I look like.

In the picture, I had a huge smile on my unblemished face, my blue eyes were bright because of the flash and I have to say, it was a pretty great picture of me. My wavy brown hair was natural and flowing freely on my blue and white cheerleading uniform.

Hearing the bell ring, I closed up the white envelope, wrote NICHOLAS GREY on the front, licked it shut, and gave it to my teacher who smiled at me.

"How'a your family doing," she asked with a look of care in her brown eyes.

I smiled widely and laughed, "perfect, why?"

"Oh, just wondering how they're holding up since Noah," she explained looking at me with a facial expression of disbelief. She doidn't believe that we were perfect. No shit, Miley, how could she, I asked myself. She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled sweetly, "you know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks," I laughed, "but I really don't need to talk to anyone. I'm perfect. She's gone," I shrugged, "it's been a few month. Everything's back to normal now," I smiled.

She sighed shaking her head, "you know, if you keep telling yourself that, you're going to break. My little sister died when I was your age, you know. It still hurts," she said in a weak voice, she had tears in her eyes, but I knew sue wouldn't let them fall.

"Thanks," I nodded, "but really, its all good. Have a good weekend, Ms. Fields," I bid before grabbing my bag and leaving. As soon as I got out of the classroom, the president of the newspaper club, Natalie, walked up to me, her photographer snapping shots of me walking.

"Miley, can we get your take on some of the controversies in the world," the blonde haired teenager asked.

I heard a laugh from behind me and someone wrap their strong arms around my waist, "it's a little early for the paparazzi, don't you think, Natalie," my on again off again boyfriend of two years asked before kissing me passionately.

She rolled her eyes and walked away. Keeping up with the status quo, I kissed back, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Eww, get a room," Demi teased as she walked up with the rest of our friends.

I pulled away and laughed before hugging her in greeting, "shut up," I joked. Pulling away, I sighed as I saw the bracelets and make up on her arms that hid the cuts, but I wasn't going to say anything. Especially there, in front of all our friends.

"Come on," Emily said when the bell rang. Grabbing my hand, she pulled me towards our next class.

Although it seemed like everything in my life was fake or too perfect, Emily was the only one who could see through my happy-go-lucky attitude and falsifycated grin. She was my best friend and we were each other's rocks. She knew when I needed to hide and I knew when she needed to run.

Throughout the day, my mind kept on snapping back to the letter and to Nick. Who was "Nick Grey"? Would he think I was a freak for writing what I did? And then it hit me, my desire for a perfect appearance had gotten so bad that I cared about what a complete stranger who lived in Germany thought about me.

A/N: Hey guys! This is Ashley, AKA NileyFanForever :). So, Anna (xCaliforniaSunshineInMyEyes) and I decided it'd be cool to do a collab together. I live in The States and she lives in Germany. We vent to each other and help each other through problems or give each other advice. She came up with the idea that Nick and Miley were pen pals from other countries and then we messaged each other and tweaked it so we could get all the details right. It's going to be pretty awesome I think. :) So, this chapter just introduced the pen pal idea and wanted to show what kind of life Miley is living. So, yeah! Anna is going to be doing Nick's letter and Nick's life and then I'll do the third chapter and it'll be Miley's letter and her life. We hope you guys enjoy our collab and keep on reading it! :) Please review, that'd be awesome :).


	2. Chapter 2: A Picture From The Past

I stared at the white envelope lying in front of me. Typical girly-handwriting, I thought, only the little hearts over the 'I's were missing. Miley Stewart. Sounded nice. I took a deep breath and ripped of the envelope to see a folded letter inside, someone had drawn a… weird looking building on it's back page. I just shrugged. Maybe it was modern art or something. Or maybe all Americans are just crazy.

I folded the letter out and started reading.. and my jaw dropped. Wow. I definitely wasn't expecting something like..that. She was… honest. Painfully honest, though she didn't even knew me.

I had waited for something like:'Hello to you, I'm Miley and my hobbies are cheerleading and hanging at the mall.' Or at least that's what I think American girls are doing all the time.

Whatever the other girls do, Miley didn't seem to be one of those kind. The way she wrote about her family, about her sister cutting herself or her parents fighting every night, gave me goose bumps.

And at the next moment I was kind of… relieved. I could even smile after I finished reading. That was amazing. Maybe THIS was my chance to talk to someone. I was pretty sure SHE wouldn't laugh at me, maybe she would even understand.

I stared at the paper for a few more minutes and then I took my pen and started writing.

"Hey Miley.

Well… I don't really know how to start this off. I'm Nicholas but I go by Nick. I'm 17 and, as you probably should have figured, I live in Germany. To be exact I live in Frankfurt, I don't know if you know the city, it's not really nice. It's just big and stinky; I don't live in downtown though.

I live in a big house with my mom and my dad and my two siblings, Mandy (she's 19) and Frankie (he's 11). I guess you could say we're kind of… wealthy. That's not always a good thing.

My dad was a soldier in the army and when he was sent to Germany in the 80s he fell in love with my mom (she's German) and stayed. This is why I have an American last name and am not that bad at speaking/writing in English, I grew up speaking English and German. (It was kind of confusing sometimes :P) Though I'm far from perfect, German is still my better language to talk in.

Your letter…. Was pretty surprising to me. Don't get this wrong, I really appreciate your honesty. I'm so sorry for you and your family; I know how hard it is to lose someone you loved. "

I paused. I couldn't write it. I just couldn't. Maybe this girl felt comfortable with telling her most inner thoughts to some stranger but.. I just couldn't talk about Julia like this.

I took a deep breath and continued writing.

"… let's just say I know how it is. "

Then I sighed again.

"OK, whatever, I'm just going to tell you, I mean, you don't even know me! And we'll probably never meet or something, so I'll just tell you. Julia, my girlfriend of one year, committed suicide half year ago. Until today, I don't really know why she did it. I knew she wasn't comfortable with her body and stuff, and I'd seen the scars on her wrist. But I'd never thought she'd go this far. Well, I was wrong.

One Monday before school my phone rang and her mom was on the other line and told me she found her… lifeless on her bed. She took sleeping pills. And she had written a letter to me and her family. I'm not gonna tell you now what she wrote to me, cause it's something really personal. Maybe I'll tell you one day but at the moment I just don't feel comfortable with it, I hope that's ok.

Gosh, this letter is so boring and depressing, I'm sorry. To make it short, I'm not really the same I was when she was alive I guess. Playing soccer, going out and all that stuff just seems…ridiculous to me right now. "

I sighed and put another sentence under those.

"Sometimes I feel like I could never be happy again. Or smile with all of my heart."

And suddenly I felt like I wasn't able to write any more sentence. I just scribbled a rushed

"So long, waiting for your reply.

Nick."

And rammed the letter in the envelope. What the hell was I doing here? I was telling a TOTAL FOREIGN girl I NEVER TALKED to or heard off the story of my life? That was ridiculous. I threw the closed envelope on the teacher's desk and left the room. I needed some air.

When I came home this afternoon my mom stood in the kitchen and stirred in a huge pot.

"Nick, Liebling," she called and blew a kiss in the air. "You're early!"

"I know Mama," I answered and lowered myself on one of the handmade designer chairs in our kitchen. What a wastage by the way. Who needs handmade designer chairs in a kitchen when you've got a separate dining room and all you do on those chairs is drop cooking utensils? This family was so random. 'Let's buy some total useless but good-looking chairs for the ugly kitchen," I shook my head and crossed my arms.

"How was school," she asked absent-mindedly and balanced a few pieces of meat into the pot.

"Okay." That was answer enough for her. She wasn't interested in what I have to say anyway, she was just asking to be polite.

"Dinner's ready in 5," she let me know and gave me a little smile.

I swallowed hard. "Yeah… I'll be there."

Oh yeah, I probably forgot to tell foreign-American-girl that I basically quit eating since  
>Julia's death. My sister is 100% sure that I'm anorexic and she tells me whenever she's got the chance to, but that's BS. I'm not anorexic. I just don't eat anymore. It is disgusting. How am I supposed to chew and swallow that disgusting… stuff? It's not that I think I'm fat or something, and I'm a boy and definitely not gay, but I just don't like eating anymore. What's the big deal with that? She should just let me do my thing.<p>

"Hey, Mom?"

She turned her head in my direction and looked at me questioningly. "I just remembered that I … got to do.. homework. Lots of. So.. Is it OK if I cancel dinner and grab something to eat while I'm studying?"

"Sure… there is lasagna in the fridge, just get some if you're hungry," she smiled and devoted her attention back to her dinner on the stove.

I nodded and made my way upstairs to my room. In there, I let myself fall down on the bed and closed my eyes. Sometimes, I felt like I couldn't breathe in this house. Everything was just…huge and cold. I grabbed the photo that was standing on my bedside table and a sad smile broke across my face. Me and Julia. She was smiling widely, her blonde hair messed up from the wind and I held her in my arms tightly. Man, I felt like I couldn't even remember how happy we were back then. It was crazy.

A crazy rush of love. We were both 14 when we got to know each other and fell in love at the moment we looked each other in the eyes for the first time. I could remember clearly on everything. The first time we kissed each other. The first time we fought. The night when we slept together. One week before…

I swallowed hard and buried my head into the pillow and groaned. My stomach pounded angry yelling at me for food. But it was a good feeling. At least I had the control over one thing in my pathetic life.

A/N: Hello my beloved readers, this is Anna (xCaliforniaSunshineInMyEyes) and this is the 2nd chapter for this story-collab with the amazing Ashley (NieyFanForever)

I hope you guys like it. As you guys propably have figured, I'm German, so I threw some german words in there, in case you didn't understand anything, feel free to ask and you can also ask me on twitter /Anna_Fresh .

In case you want to know: Liebling is German and means darling, so is Mama, it's mom but you probably know that ;)


	3. Chapter 3: There's No Grasping Reality

M-A-R-A-T-H-O-N! Hey, guys, Anna and I have been working hard on this story so we're posting one today, one tomorrow, one Sunday, and one Monday. :) AND, It was Anna's 17th birthday yesterday so can we please give her some b-day love? Thanks!

Chapter 3-There's No Grasping Reality

**Miley**

As I arrived in English class, I was both excited and nervous. The pen pal letters from Germany had arrived. As I sat down, I saw a white envelope that had my name on it in jagged, but neat guy handwriting. Nick's handwriting. Ms. Fields instructed us to wait before opening it so I just looked up to pay attention so I could read my letter sooner. She told us our homework assignment and we took a few notes. It'd been fifteen minutes and I was impatiently fidgeting at my desk.

"Okay," she said, "you guys can read your letters now."

I tore the envelope open quickly and started to read. From one struggling teen to another, I knew he was in a hard situation too. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Like I wasn't the only one hiding secrets from the ones I loved. His girlfriend had died. Julia. She had killed herself. I thought about what it would be like if Joe had died. My boyfriend. The thought made me sick. My stomach clenched and my guts knotted together. Ugh.

As I finished the letter, I smiled as a picture of him fell from behind the letter. He had brown curly locks, a happy smile on his face, and he was dressed in a soccer uniform. This Nick character looked pretty good looking. Okay, scratch that, he was fucking hot. His chocolate eyes were sparkling and filled with so much joy. I could tell this was an older picture because one, no one would look that happy after they had lost someone that they loved and two, he told me that he wasn't up for playing soccer anymore. I heard a whistle from behind me.

"Damn," my friend, Alyson laughed, "he's hot, Miles."

I looked behind me, laughed, and nodded, "I know, right?"

Taking out a piece of lined paper and a blue pen, I started to write.

Dear Nick,

I'm sorry about Julia. That's really awful, but can I be honest with you? Of course I can, I told you everything that no one knows about me. She would want you to be happy. My theory on a loved one dying is that since they are no longer alive, we have a duty to keep them living on. Live for them and you. Live life for two people. It's really hard to do, I know, but if you don't try to do something, she will have died in vein. When she ended her life, I'm sure she didn't want to end your's too. You have to be health and stormy. I was thinking about what it'd be like to lose Joe after I was reading your letter and I couldn't. Sure, we may have our differences and at times not see eye to eye, but I love him. He makes me feel things that no guy has ever made me feel before. So thanks for that. You've helped me realize that I can't take him for granted. And you can't take her life for granted; you have to live for the both of you.

I heard my mom and sister crying them to sleep last night and I heard Trace (my brother's) car drive out of the driveway late. He was probably out getting "stuff" from his supplier. I don't even know how people can do that. How can people cut themselves or do drugs, harm themselves. I just can't. I can't picture hurting myself. I'm wounded enough as it is. I just have to push it away though, you know? Think of Noah. Think of my future. Think of my family. Think of my mask. Of my so-called perfect life.

So, if your girlfriend's gone, what are you doing? Like I get that you quit soccer (great pic, btw ;)) and you don't want to do anything, but is that it?

"Okay, class, time to pack up," my teacher exclaimed with a smile on her face, "hand in your letters."

I quickly jotted down the ending to my letter.

Also, are you into music?

Well, it's time to wrap up so I have to go.

Peace and Love,

Miley

As the bell rang, I shut the envelope, wrote his name on it and handed it in. Walking out the door, I saw Joe and ran up to him before pushing him into his locker lightly before kissing him lovingly. He kissed back gently and stroked my hair. This kiss was different. It wasn't hot and heavy, it was sweet and tender. It made gave me butterflies all the way down to my toes. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled away after a few more moments. Looking into his eyes, I brought one of my hands up and brushed my fingers through his dark brown hair.

"I missed that," he whispered as he grabbed my cheeks lightly and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead. He pulled away and smiled, our eyes were connected. Brown on blue, the sparks flew.

"Me too," I smiled, "I love you, Joe."

He smiled, bit his bottom lip and nodded, "I love you too, Miles." We knew the words we shared, but it'd been a while since we had said them. Before I had gotten the letter, I was taking him for granted, taking us for granted, but no more. He may not know about my mask, but I do know one thing, he made me smile. Really smile.

"Where is this coming from he chuckled pulling me into a tight hug, I took in his scent and sighed, "just a letter that I got. It made me realize how lucky I am to have you," I replied with tears in my eyes.

"What? That pen pal letter thing," he chuckled.

I nodded, "honestly? Yeah. I know everyone things it's lame, but I think it's good. Talking to someone who has no idea who you are? It's like you're writing in a diary and it replies to you."

"Sometimes that leads to dark secrets and chambers," he smirked. I knew what he was talking about. His past obsession, Harry Potter.

I laughed and shook my head, "you're such a dork."

"But I'm your dork."

"Yes," I nodded, "you're my cheesy dork."

Demi and Emily walked up to us surprised, "what the hell," Demi asked, looking back and forth between us.

Joe shrugged, "I'm not quite sure myself, but whatever it is, I'm happy," he smiled before looking down at me and kissing my forehead, "we're happy."

I looked into his eyes again and nodded, "yeah, we are happy."

Later on, I got out of Joe's car after our short make out session and waved to him as I walked up my driveway. He smiled and waved before driving off. Walking into my house, I heard nothing. Silence.

"Hello," I yelled.

No reply.

Strange.

My mom was supposed to be home. Walking into the kitchen, I saw a note on the table and went over to read it, a confused look plastered onto my face.

Dear Family, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but I just can't do this anymore. Miles, you're the strong one, take care of everyone for me, okay? I love you all, but I need to get out. Start over. Things have just been too hard the past couple of months. Please forgive me, love always, your dearest mother.

Tears fell from my eyes and I raced up the stairs to my parents' room. Looking in the closet, her clothes were gone. Looking in the bathroom, her makeup and hair things were gone. My body froze. I was it. I was now the mother of the house. I had to make sure everything was in place and everything was orderly. We couldn't lose our perfect appearance. I'd been working to hard to maintain that. We'd all been working hard to maintain that. No one could know. No one.

Walking to the kitchen, I tried to keep my mask on and I started dinner. What was I going to tell my family? What could I tell my family? That my mother had up and left? That she had abandoned us when we needed her the most? I had no idea, but I knew that I had to figure something out. For now, I'd tell people, including my family, that she was on a business trip. Yeah, a business trip.

A/N: Hey guys! :) It's Ashley (NileyFanForever). So, poor Miley, right! Poor Nick too! Dang, these teens have got it rough. I'm so happy to be doing a collab with Anna (xCaliforniaShunshinInMyEyes) it's so fun! :) So, if you guys like to read romance, check out this book that I love and just finished reading called "Perfect Chemistry" written by Simone Elkeles. It's fantastic! Hope you all have a great week! Please review, your reviews mean the world to us.

Peace and Love.

Twitter:

LovaticsDream

NileyJyrusHope


	4. Chapter 4: Exhausted

Disclaimer:

Song used in this chapter: Anything but Ordinary - Avril Lavigne.

I just made one or two little changes on the words :)

I collapsed onto my bed after another strenuous day of school. Why was life so exhausting? Maybe it was sad, but that was everything it was for me in the last times: Exhausting. Keeping my eyes open to see what was happening around me was exhausting, standing up to another meaningless day was exhausting, to keep smiling and talking with people I don't want to talk with was exhausting.

Everything became exhausting in the last few months. I sighed deeply and remembered on the crumpled envelope in the bag of my jacket, crawled into it with my fingers and pulled the little white envelope out. I didn't have time to read Mileys letter in English today, so I just rammed it into my bag and tried to keep attention on not tripping on someones feed. That was probably the most useful action I was doing at school these days.

With another day I opened the envelope and unfolded Mileys curvy handwriting. Still no hearts over the I's.

I started reading and swallowed hard when I came to the part where she was talking about Julie. I blankly stared at the white paper and her words echoed in my head.

She would want you to be happy.

We have a duty to keep them living on.

You have to be healthy and happy.

Oh yeah? So I had to? So I had to do what a stranger tells me? I balled my hand into a fist and flanged the letter through the room, it banged against the opposite wall and fell on the floor. I just stood there like an idiot, angrily wheezing and feeling like somebody just hit my head. And then I realized something warm running down my cheeks, I angrily wiped the tear away, but it wasn't just one. It was like a mental breakdown.

I broke down on the floor and sobbed into my hands. How would she know what Julia wanted? There wasn't anything she wanted right now, she was fucking DEAD! It was not like she was ever going to come back so I could do whatever I wanted with my god-damned life! God, I knew that this Miley-girl existed since like a week and I already hated her, but I knew what the reason for this was. I didn't hate her because of what she wrote. I hated her because she was right.

Julia broke on life. And I was about to break on it exactly like she did.

But maybe that was exactly what I wanted. The foreign-american-girl propably didn't even think on that. OK, probably nobody would. But…what if I just wanted to disappear like Julia did, I thought and was shocked about myself. Was this what I wanted, I questioned and buried my head into my knees. I didn't even know what I wanted by myself. I just wanted her back.

Slowly I stood up and walked towards my desk and opened the lowest drawer. I took out a little letter and unfolded it slowly. I had to smile when I saw her messy yet dreamy handwriting.

It was so much different than Mileys or every other handwriting I've ever seen, I couldn't even describe it. It was sloppy and the letters seemed to radiate hopelessness, but they were still clear and there on the paper. Awry and unwanted but still there.

That letter was the last piece of my girlfriend I could take with me. Her suicide note.

"Nick, mein Schatz,

this is for you. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I have never felt anything similar for a person like I do for you and I hope you know that you are the most important person in my life and you're always going to be my number 1, no matter how this is going to end. I wanted to let you know that you are the only reason why I'm struggling to do…this. It's not because I think you would break on missing me, I know that you could do so much better, and I know you will get over me, it's because I just can't let you go. I could let go of everything, the school, my parents, everything but I just can't let YOU go. I know, this is horribly selfish, but I don't want to spend a day without you, but I have to do this. If you'd only knew what people are sayong about you just because you are with me, it makes me cry. You deserve so much better my precious love. What people are calling you behind your back for being with me makes me cry and it breaks my heart. I hope you can understand this. You always knew me better than everyone else did. I hope you can understand.

I know you're gonna be sad, but please go and build yourself a new life, you're gonna find a beautiful girlfriend and one day you're going to marry her and create some gorgeous babies. I wish I could be the mother of your children, but I just can't do this anymore. I feel like a stranger in my skin, I hate my mirror and what people say about me shatters my heart. There is no way I can make it through this life.

I just can't stop writing, you know? And I just even chuckled. This is the part of 'not wanting to let you go', my parents got a letter with like 5 lines.

Okay, I'm gonna say goodbye now.

Ich liebe dich.

Für immer deine Julia."

'I love you. Yours forever Julia.' I often thought about what would've happened if I had spent the night with her. She invited me to come over but I had to cancel the date because my parents went to my Oma's (grandma) 75th birthday and they forced me to come with them. And the next day she was just gone.

I took the paper down and buried it softly back in the drawer. Then I shut it and rubbed about my eyes. I grabbed a pen and sat down on my desk, pulling out a unwritten paper and started writing.

"Dear Miley,

I'm glad I helped you see what you have. (I assume Joe is your boyfriend, you didn't particulary say he was.)

Oh, belive me, people can do that. I mean harming and hating themselves. I was in love with the perfect example for over a year. I think I can relate to how you feel about your sister because this was exactly was Julia was going through. You gotta take care of your sister, I'm serious about that. Of course, there are people who just cut themselves to relieve stress and stuff, but if she does it because she hates herself and her own skin I beg you do something about it. Go seek help for her, go to a therapist or your parents or send her to treatment. I beg you.

So, you were asking me about what I'm doing all day. If you were anyone else, I would say playing soccer, meeting friends, and doing whatever a 17-year-old does, but I don't. And it's worse. I don't even eat, I barely sleep and I only go out of the house if I really have to. I know, it's propably ridiculous, but basically, I spend all day in my room, pretending to sleep or doing homework. I don't even know what to tell you when you ask me what I'm doing. I just stare and think. The only action I'm doing that you could consider as 'useful' Is that I'm writing sometimes. Just what goes through my head. I wouldn't consider it 'songs' because I don't have a melody to them (though I know how to play the drums, the piano and the guitar.)

It just feels good to release some of the pressure onto paper.

Thanks for the compliment about my picture, it's taken like 7 or 8 months ago at a soccer game. (We won 3:2 back then ;)

By the way, your picture is really, really pretty. You seem like a nice and genuine person and not too dressed up (typical stereotype of American girls…), I like that (:

So, I don't really know what to write now (this is still kind of awkward for me….) and my mom is yelling I should come down for dinner.

I'm looking forward to your reply!

Keep your head up.

Regards,

Nick.

And you're right."

2 hours later after dinner (I made it to avoid eating more than a half sausage) I came up to my room again and after I stared motionless at Julia's picture for like a half an hour. I grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and wrote down what went trough my head.

"Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breathe?

Somebody ripped my heart out

And left me here to bleed

Is it enough to die?

Somebody, please save my life"

I breathed out and looked at what I created. And I felt better. I threw the paper back to my desk again and laid down on my comfortable bed.

Another hour later I put the letter for Miley in it's envelope and wrote her name on it. I stood up and walked it downstairs, and gave it to my mom was was going to a school meeting and would see my teacher.

The next day, I was searching the lyrics I wrote yesterday but I couldn't find it. And then it hit me. I wrote it on the back of Mileys letter. Crap.

A/N: Hello my lovely readers! Wow, this is prolly the longest chapter I wrote until today. Ok, I only wrote like 4 fanfic-chapters ever, but be patient with me ;)

I don't really like this chapter but I did my best anyway. It's pretty much about what's going on in Nicks curly-head and if you want some more 'action' please tell me in the reviews.

And I'm so excited because I turn 17 next Thursday and it would be the present if you guys give us some reviews! Have an awesome week! :)

- Anna

PS. In case you want to stalk me..feel free! Twitter dot com /Anna_Fresh

xoxo


	5. Chapter 5: Cover Up

Disclaimer: We do not own anything, but the story line. The song is "I Miss You" by Miley Cyrus.

I set the table for dinner and went outside to pick a bouquet of flowers for the middle of the table. Placing the pink, blue, and yellow flowers into a clear vase, I put them in the middle of the table. The dinner set up looked perfect-just like everything should look. Looking at the clock, I sighed. It was 6:20. Ten minutes until dinner and no one was home.

It'd been a week since mom left. I hadn't told anyone that she had abandoned us. Dad thought she was on a business trip. I had e-mailed him a few times pretending to be my mother. It may've been wrong, but it saved people a lot of pain and heartache. Sure, eventually, I'd come clean, but not until people grew suspicious.

Hearing the main door open, I looked up and smiled at my siblings, "hey guys," I laughed as I hugged Trace and Demi.

"Dad called, he said he couldn't make it for dinner tonight," Trace said pulling me into a tight embrace.

I shrugged it off and hugged him back before walking to the over and pulling out the lasagna. "It's okay," I said as if it really meant nothing though I wish he would just pay attention to his children for five minutes instead of focusing on just work, especially since mom left.

Arriving at school the next morning, I strutted through the hallway and squealed as I saw Joe, "baby," I laughed as I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, "good morning, baby," I smiled. It may've been a mask, but he really did make me happy.

"Hey, beautiful," he smiled and kissed my lips lovingly, "I missed you," he whispered into my ear before pecking my cheek.

"Oh yeah," I asked while laughing and intertwining our fingers.

He nodded, "I was thinking about you a lot last night."

"Like what?"

He bit his bottom lip nervously and pecked my lips, "just about us and how your birthday is coming up."

"Two weeks," I squealed excitedly. Hearing the bell, I groaned in disappointment, "see you at lunch," I smiled before pecking her lips and walked to English.

A few minutes into the class, Ms. Fields handed out the pen pal letters. Opening Nick's letter to me, I read it. His words were so raw, so true, I felt like I can almost completely relate to him which makes me happy because I needed someone I could on and he seemed like he could help. It seemed like I could help him too. Taking out a sheet of paper and a purple pen, I started to write.

Dear Nick,

Yes, Joe is my boyfriend. Sorry that I wasn't clear on that before, but you seem to have gotten it. :) I am really trying to help my sister. I mean, I want to help her, I just don't know how to confront her, you know? It's just confusing and challenging especially now. My mom left. She left. Gone. Adios. Bu-Bye. She abandoned us. I came home the afternoon after writing your last letter and she had written a goodbye note. No one besides me knows that she left. I told my family and people who asked that she was on a business trip. I hacked into my mom's email and sent letters to my dad and all the clubs and boards she was in; the country club, the school board, the church board, the local book club, everything. I made up the same excuse for everyone just to keep my story straight. She went on a three week business trip. My dad's never home. He just shrugged off the fact that my mom had gone on a business trip for three weeks as if I had told him what's going on in Kate and William's life. He didn't seem to care. Trace is dealing now. I'm not sure if I told you that. I saw a guy paying him for weed. Of course, it was hidden inside a shoe box so it looked like the customer was buying new kicks, but I knew better. Ugh, can I ask you something? Why is life so damn hard? I wish I could just be happy. 100% completely happy. Happy. It makes me think of Noah's old laugh. It was high pitched and music to my ears. She was such a happy little girl. I don't understand why God would take her away. My beautiful, innocent, little baby sister. And yeah, I get what you mean with your daily activities. Until I realized that I have a duty to her to live my life, I was just like that. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to move. I felt helpless and depressed. No one knew though of course. I've always kept my mask on. In my mom's goodbye letter, my mom said that I need to take care of the family because I'm the strongest out of all of us, but in all honesty, I'm not. I'm probably the weakest. I think you should eat, Nick. It's not healthy for you to starve yourself. I mean, I saw how happy you looked in that soccer photo. I think you should get some meat on your bones and go out there and play soccer, but I'm not your boss. It's just a suggestion. The blurb of writing on the back of the letter was cool, I write songs and play the guitar, piano, and drums too. Like I told you before, music keeps me sane. I've been thinking and I really don't just want to write letters with you. I need to talk to you more and I think you need to talk to me more too. We could support each other. Do you have MSN? My screenname is Schmilerz1123.

Hope to hear from you soon! Stay strong! :)

Peace and Love,

Miley Ray Stewart

On the back, she wrote a song lyric too.

I know you're in a better place, yeah

But I wish that I could see your face, oh

I know you're where you need to be

Even though it's not here with me

Folding the letter, I put the paper into a white envelope and wrote Nicholas Jerry Grey on it. Looking at the name, I smiled lightly. This boy, this struggling teenager...he wasn't just anyone. He was more complex than any I'd ever met and he knew more about me than anyone. And that combination scared the hell out of me.

A\N: Okay, so, Anna's on vacation so this is the last of the marathon. Sorry I missed yesterday, I was busy and depressed. Today, I'm just depressed, but whatever. If you've talked to me about my life before, maybe you know that Miley is based off of me and my life. No, my mom didn't leave, my dad did. And my sister didn't die and my sibs aren't like her's, but other than that; the mask, the music, the cheerleading, the pristine neighborhood, that's all based off of me (NileyFanForever). Thanks for reading! Have a great week.

Peace, Love, Niley.

Twitter:

NileyJyrusHope

LovaticsDream


	6. Chapter 6: I Disappear

A/N: Hello Guys, SO SORRY for the long wait! It took me an eternity to write this, I actually already started 3 weeks ago but I never put the stuff together.. So, I did and this is what came out :) Hope you like it anyway. The song used in this chapter is "Ich verschwinde" by Juli (It's a german band, they're REALLY good, you should look for the song on youtube, even if it's in German, the music and vocals are just AMAZING. It's one of my favourites :) I just translated it into english and changed a line J

Hope you like that chapter, cause that's all I hope for :)

PS. Twitter dot com /Anna_Fresh Tweet me! (:

Chapter 6

I groaned and reached out for my alarm clock to throw it against the wall. Gosh, i hate that stupid thing. It was saturday after all. I sighed and rested my head on the other side of the pillow, trying to fall asleep again.

I heard a gentle knock on the door and after it the soft voice of my mom. „Nick?"

"Huh?", I yawned and ran my hands through my dark mess of curls.

"Come in Mama."

She opened the door and came in slowly, sitting down next to me on my bed and strook softly over my hair. "How are you Nick?"

"Uhm..."

What the hell?

"Why? Did I do something bad?" I asked nervously, trying to remind of something I could've done to get punished for.

She just laughed and smiled at me loving. What was wrong with this woman? Was she high or something?

"No, no... Or is there anything I don't know?", she furrowed her eyebrow and giggled over her own joke. I just stared at her and crinkled my nose. "I just got the feeling we don't talk enough, you know? Mandy told me she thinks Julia's death-"

"Can we please don't talk about her?" I hissed and turned my head annoyed to the other direction.

"Nick... There is nothing wrong to talk about it! You barely expressed your fellings about the loss!"

"Mom?"

"Yes, Darling?"

"Get out."

She sighed. "No Nick, I want to talk to you. I don't think we talk enough"

Yeah, maybe we didn't, but that was surely not  
>my fault.<p>

"I don't want to talk to you.", I murmured.

My Mom just shot me a look and stood up. "Fine. If this is what you want..." and with a dramatic exit she slammed the door behind her.

I couldn't help but break into a sad grin. That was so my mom. Of course, she didn't want to know how I felt, she just wanted to make herself believe she would try. And as soon as you give her a chance to leave she does. Story of my life.

I decided to get up at something around 11-ish, my alarm clock laid broken on the floor so I didn't know the exact time. Still in my boxers and a faded grey T-Shirt that had the name of my elementary school on it I tapped down the staircase and walked into the kitchen.  
>My father sat at one of the chairs (yes, the super expensive ones) and sipped on a cup of coffee, he looked up as he heard me enter the kitchen.<p>

"Guten Morgen (good morning) Nicholas!", he greeted and shot me one of his smiles, which actually looked like a threat.

I murmured a "Hi Papa (Dad)", and sat down on a chair next to him, starring at my hands.

"So you finally decided to get up?", he asked and laid the newspaper he was currently reading down.

Obviously. And i already regretted it.

"Yup."

"You look skinny.", he stated.

"Thanks Dad."

I stood up, grabbed a pack of milk out of the fridge and took a sip.

"There's a letter for you on the counter, Paul brought it for you. You forgot it at school yesterday and when he came over you were already asleep."

"Thanks.", I murmured and grabbed Miley's letter from the counter, making my way up to my room again, when I heard my name again.

"Why don't you go out with Paul and the other guys anymore?", my dad asked uninterested.

"Just…because.", I murmured and walked fastly back to my room.

I ripped of Miley's letter, threw himself onto the bed and started reading. My eyes widened after he read a few lines. I shook his head in disbelief and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper when he finished reading.

"Hey Miley,

Your mom LEFT? Okay, that whole 'I got to be strong' is bullshit! It is NOT your job to take care of your siblings and do all the work! And you shouldn't be lying about everything to the people who are close to you! Go tell your dad or your sister or brother or teacher or ANYONE! I really don't know what I should say, but this is your Mom's business, not your's! She can't give birth to 4 children and then leave without a single word, this is the most selfish thing I've ever heard of!

Ugh, I'm sorry, I just had to say that. Of course, it's your thing, but what your Mom did is probably not even legal, and you are not weak Miley! I just know you through handwritten letters and I honestly think you're like the strongest person I ever knew. I couldn't do that. I mean, look at me! I'm weak, but you are everything but weak.

Yeah, I do have MSN, my name is MrPresident1992, just add me :) And I'm sorry about the outburst of the last letter, this is so embarrassing. I didn't realize it was your letter where it was written on. "

He swallowed and looked up to the ceiling. Then he took the pen and continued writing.

"I don't feel good today. Sometimes it's just emptiness, maybe you know what I mean. Everything seems ridiculous, and nothing really seems to have a point. Those are the days when I can't eat at all, you know? I don't even know why I'm telling you this because it probably sounds plain stupid, but.. Sometimes I just want to die. Or just disappear. It's actually pretty annoying.

Hmm.. I don't really have something interesting to say. My life goes on and on.

I hope you're doing fine!

Love, Nick

PS. Ok, ok, I wrote another 'song' on the back. It's actually german but I translated it, this is why it doesn't rhyme or something. I guess this kind of explains how I feel at the moment.

They tell me you're not worth it,  
>I'm wasting my time.<br>They tell me I give too much so that  
>There's nothing left.<br>I look out out of the window,  
>Knowing how often you give yourself away for nothing.<p>

If I had a choice I would fly with you.  
>If I had a choice I would love you.<p>

And I know that everything in me screams,  
>'cause there's nothing left of me,<br>I disappear.  
>And I know that everything in me is screaming,<br>'cause there's nothing left of me,  
>I disappear."<p>

The last line echoed through his head until he fell asleep that night. I disappear.


	7. Chapter 7: Unraveling The Mask

I moaned in ecstasy as Joe kissed my neck, we were both naked and lying on his bed. He pulled away and searched my eyes for an answer, it was almost as if he was on a treasure hunt and trying to find the no-go zone, but tonight, I didn't have one.

"I want this," I whispered, answering his silent question.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded.

He sighed and shook his head, "you're gonna regret this."

"I love you, Joe, I want you, I want this, don't you?"

My nervous boyfriend nodded and gulped before crashing his lips onto mine as he entered me. I let out a whimper as a tear slipped from my shut tight blue orbs. Pain was the only feeling that shot through my body.

"Do you want me to stop," he asked in a weak voice, I'm sure he didn't want to see me in this much pain.

I shook my head, "keep going." He started slowly and gently pulling and pushing himself in and out of me. After about two more mintues, it started to feel pleasurable and I let our a loud moan, tilting my neck back, all my worries running away.

There we stayed, in his bed, all night, making love. It was incredible, mind blowing, exciting, and terrifying.

Afterwards, he held me tightly and kissed my forehead, "I love you so much," he whispered into my ear.

"Not as much as I love you," I smiled looking into his deep brown eyes. Putting my hand on his cheek, I looked at how much he'd changed over the years, from the goofy boy with the long hair to the loving man with scruffy facial hair, which was sexy as hell, and short slightly spiked hair. But...I guess those two adjectives don't really work, goofy then and loving now, he's always been both goofy and loving. I don't know, but he's just my man and I love him. He stroked my hair and I pulled myself closer to him, my head on his muscular tanned chest, his free hand was stroking my bare back, and our legs were entangled. We stayed there in the dark room, silent, though it wasn't am awkward silence, it never was with us. The silence was perfect. Soon, we both started to fall into a heavy sleep, but not before we whispered three incredible words to each other: I love you.

The next day, we had gotten dressed, ate breakfast, and went to school. Today was the day I got my letter from Nick and I was really excited. I think he's the only one who didn't see me as the perfect "it girl", which was a relief.

As I entered English class with my friends, we all laughed at something funny Emily had said and made our ways to our seats, while everyone looked on at us, of course. Sitting down, I took my phone out and texted Demi for the hundredth time in the past four hours, she hadn't been at school today. The telephone rang and Ms. Fields walked over and answered it. Within a few moments, her eyes landed directly on me and my stomach dropped, something was dfinately wrong. Hanging up, she walked over to her desk and handed me my letter from Nick.

Joe showed up at the door with a flushed face. I tilted my head in confussion.

"You're excused, Miley, your sister is in the hospital."

I nodded, keeping my mask on, no smile, but no frown, just blank, "thanks," I said before grabbing my stuff and leaving. Joe took my hand and my blue eyes looked into his brown ones.

"Your dad texted me," he said quietly, "he told me I should bring you to the hospital. You know, Miles, you two keep up really great masks, and you know I love you, but would it be so bad if you told me what was going on sometimes?"

I looked down guiltily, he had a point, but he was my boyfriend, if he knew everything, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, he'd leave me...right? I mean, I was hidin the fact that my mother left and that my siblings were fucked up and that I was fucked up all a secret.

He sighed and wrapped his arm around my neck before he kissed my temple. Getting into his car, we made our way to the hospital, a drive that felt like it took five years when in reality, it only took five minutes. We made our way to the main desk and I calmly, though in my mind, I was freaking out, said with a smile on my face, "hi, what room is Demi Devonne Stewart in?"

She looked up the information in her computer and looked at me and Joe, "are you you two related to the patient?"

I rolled my eyes, 'the patient' had a name, bitch. "I'm her twin sister and he's my boyfriend and one of her best friends."

"Room 237A."

"Thanks," I responded sarcastically before we left for the room.

Joe stopped a few feet away from the waiting room and gently pushed me into the wall. He kissed me gently and I kissed him back, relaxing a bit, he pulled away and I nodded taking a deep breath.

"Miles," he said quietly, "we don't we're going to see, remember that, but also remember that you me and your family and your friends who love you, and that you don't, and shouldn't keep the smile on your face when you really want to cry. It's okay to cry, Mi."

I nodded and we went into the waiting room, my dad was sitting there a blank stare on his face as he stared at the ceiling.

"Daddy," I asked quietly, as I walked over to him. He didn't move. Putting my hand on his shoulder, he jumped a bit and looked up at me, "what happened?"

"You should sit," he said looking at Joe and I, "both of you."

Joe sat down and pulled me into his lap. We looked at my father and I gulped, something was more than wrong.

"Your sister...she," he looked into my eyes and tilted his head, "Miles? Did you know about any of this?"

Again, I looked down guiltily.

He let out a loud sigh, "of course you did. You're her twin," he muttered. He had both anger and concern in his eyes, "have you been doing this too?"

I shook my head.

"Doing what," my boyfriend asked confused.

I looked into his eyes and gulped, then I looked into my dad's eyes and back into Joe's, "she's been cutting herself for about two years now," I said quietly.

"What," they both said in unison.

"Miley, how could you not tell me this," my father snapped.

Oh, I dont know, because you're never home, I thought to myself, "I'm sorry, okay? I thought I was doing what was right. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't stop."

"Did you know what else she's been doing too?"

Again, I looked down guiltily.

"My gosh, Miley! Why don't we just call you a murder again, huh?"

I bit my lower lip and Joe held me tight.

"Don't talk to her like that," Joe sneered.

"I'm sorry, okay," I said quietly, "I didn't know it'd get this bad."

"What else has she been doing, Miley?"

"She's been doing it since we were eight, I guess I just grew into the habit of knowing it was happening that I didn't think anything of it..."

"She's been bulimic for nine years and you just didn't think anything of it?"

Again, I looked down guiltily.

"Wait...bulimic?"

My dad shook his head and looked at me, "would you like to tell me anything else I may not know?"

I shook my head slowly so he'd think I didn't know anything else, but I did, I knew everything else.

"I need some air," he said as he walked out of the waiting room.

I quickly rushed to the bathroom, unaware that Joe wad following me, and I stared into the mirror. Tears started to stream down my cheeks, quickly and heavily.

"No," I sobbed out, "this can't," I took a deep breath, "this can't be happening." I sighed and grabbed a paper towel. Wiping my eyes, I sighed, "okay, Miley, pull yourself together," I whispered, "you have to be strong." I wiped my eyes and grabbed my purse.

Joe took a step from behind the door and into the mirror behind me, I froze before smiling, maybe be hadn't seen me crying. A giggle erupted in me, "you're not supposed to be in here," I teased turning around and putting my hand on his chest.

He shook his head, "just stop!"

I looked at him confused, "stop what?"

"This," he said gesturing towards me, "this 'im fine' thing. It's starting to really scare me, okay? If you've been hiding all these things about your sister, what else have you been hiding?"

Again, I looked down guiltily before looking up at him, "you know when you stay at my house and I tell you that my dad is working in his study?"

He nodded and I shook my head.

"Yeah, he's not even home," I pause, "he's never home," I cry.

"And my mother?" I pull her goodbye letter out of my purse and give it to him. He reads it and then drops the paper.

"Miles," he said pulling me into a tight embrace, "I'm so sorry."

I nodded and shrugged, "you do what you have to, right? I have to keep my family from sinking. If they found this out..." I shook my head, "we'd be done. Everything would be done."

He nodded, "is that it?"

I shook my head, "Trace is addicted to drugs, he sells them too."

Joe's jaw dropped and he shook his head, "Miley? How can you even keep a fame smile on your face when all of this is going on?"

I shrugged, "I guess I just take it all in and it really affect me that much," I say with a smile on my face.

He shakes his head, "you don't have to be perfect, you know."

"Yes I do," I said, "I'm the one that keeps everyone alive at my house, I cook, I clean, I'm the back bone of this family."

He sighed and kissed me, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," I smiled before it dropped, "are you going to leave me now?"

He looked at me confused, "why would I do that?"

"Because my family is insane," I said laughing quietly.

He smiled, "baby, I've always known that things were wrong, I just didn't know what. I mean, after your sister died in the car crash, you guys' appearance was too perfect, you know?"

I nodded. "That's when everything started to fall apart, Brandy left then too, but you've always been there for me," I laughed putting my forehead on his as I stood on my tippy toes and he leaned down a bit, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Baby, I'll always be here for you," he whispered.

I bit my lip and nodded, "thank you," I whispered.

"Of course," he smiled and pecked my nose. I looked into his eyes and crashed my lips onto his.

After a few minutes of making out, I took his hand as we slowly made our way to Demi's room. I gasped when we walked in, she was hooked to multiple tubes, her cuts were wrapped up and her heart monitor was slowly beeping. I wanted to scream and cry, but I just held Joe tightly. His eyes scanned over his friend and he shook his head.

Nick.

His letter.

My letter.

I took his hand and walked out before going to the waiting room again.

Opening the white envelope, I read over his letter. Even though I could tell he was in pain, I smiled, I could relate to him so much, at times, it was creepy, but other times, it was amazing, fantastic, we were both so open with each other.

Taking out a blank sheet of paper and a pen, I began to write.

Dear Nick,

You want to disappear? I know exactly what you mean. For example, right now, I want to disappear. My life has been flipped upside down. I'm sitting here, in the waiting room of a hospital. Next to Joe. It's Demi, you know, my twin sister? She tried to kill herself. I don't know why, but she did. You know the worst part? I knew, this entire time, I knew she was cutting and sticking her finger down her throat, I should've told my father, just like I should've told him that mom abandoned us and that Trace is a druggie, but do you know what that would do to him? My father? It would destroy him. He called me a murderer today. He basically blamed me for Noah's death and Demi's almost death. It's not my fault though! I wish I could just run though, you know? Run away; run from this god forsaken town and to somewhere safe. With Joe, possibly. We had made love last night. For the first time. It was incredible, amazing, mind blowing. He told me I'd regret it, but I haven't. Far from regretting it, I loved it. Is that what you and Julia felt like? I know you miss her and that's okay, but you had to at least try and move on. For her sake. Back to Joe for a second, I told him, I told him everything- except about you. That would just cause a fight, I'm sure. 'Oh yeah, I'm pen pals with this attractive guy in Germany, yup, we tell each other everything.' Yeah, no, that wouldn't go over so well. Well, the doctor just came in to give us news about Demi, I have to go.

I'll be waiting for your letter and I hope to meet you soon.

Love,

Miley.

P.S. Here's some lyrics

You have a hollowed out heart

But it's heavy in your chest

I tried so hard to fight it but it's hopeless

Hopeless, you're hopeless

Oh father, please father

Put the bottle down for the love of a daughter

Folding the page up, I put it into the white envelope and licked it shut. I wrote his name on the front with a heart next to it and put it in my bag.

Leaning my head on Joe's shoulder, I thought back to the peace he'd brought to me last night, but who knew that all that peace would erupt into a heap of chaos later?

A/N: Hey, it's Ashley (NileyFanForever). Sorry for the delay, I've been really busy, I hope you liked this chapter, I'd really like some feedback! :) Thanks for reading! :) Oh, and the MSN thing didn't work and yeah, I'm totally bummed, but don't worry, they'll find a way to talk, maybe text? I'm not sure yet. Anna and I will have to talk :) I do not own the lyrics, those would be Demi's from "For The Love Of A Daughter." On that note: GO CHECK OUT UNBROKEN! :)

Twitter:

NileyJyrusHope

LovaticsDream


	8. Chapter 8: Anna

I groaned and looked at the alarm clock on my bedside table. (My sister fixed it. She's awesome in stuff like that. I'm not.) 2:30 pm.

Letting out a muffled groan, I pressed my face into the warm pillows. I skipped school today because I didn't feel well. And I didn't even lie.

My head throbbed like crazy and my throat hurt like hell.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door and opened my eyes unwilling. "Hmpf?"

The door slowly opened and a familiar blond boy entered the room. What the hell?

"Paul?" I let out unbelievingly. "What are you... Doing here?"

Paul and I used to be really close before Julia's dead; he used to be my best friend. But after everything that happened, we didn't really talk in a long time.

"Hey dude..." he said and smiled, but I could tell he was uncomfortable."Uhm.. I got your homework."

"Oh yeah... Thanks... Just lay it on the desk." I murmured and sunk deeper under my sheets.

I heard footsteps and the noise when the paper flew down on the table.

"Uhm... we... We had a worksheet in math and a new vocabulary list in English."

I breathed out a little 'thanks' and waited to hear his leaving footsteps. But nothing happened. I opened my eyes again and looked at him; he was still standing in the corner and staring at me. "Something else?" I mumbled.

"No, I just thought... Well... If you feel better, why don't you come out to football practice again? Or we could... hang out again sometimes or go clubbing."

He looked at me insecure and serious. I've never seen him really serious to be honest. Paul wasn't that type of guy, always goofing around and saying something silly. I sighed a little and scratched my back, then I looked down on my hands again.

"I don't think this is a good idea…" I murmured slowly.

"Oh yeah? Why not?" I could clearly hear the edgy tone in his voice.

"Why do you even care?" I hissed annoyed.

"Because you're my FRIEND!" he answered impatient. "Do you think I don't see what you're doing?"

I just glared at him. "Oh yeah? So, WHAT am I doing?"

"You hide yourself!" he shouted. "But that's not you! Since she's gone you're not yourself anymore Nick! We… we're worried about you," he added.

"Aha. So, who is 'we'?"

"Max, Dominick, Marius, George, Tim and everyone else!" My heart bumped a little faster as he listed all our friends from soccer.

"Yeah, whatever. Just leave me alone."

He crossed his arms and didn't move an inch. "Nick, come on. We all know that it's hard for you, but we won't let you slowly foul inside of here! You just gotta start see people again, it's been six months! You can't lock everyone out forever!"

"Oh, I can't? Watch me," hastily I pointed to the door and shot him another glare. "And don't you dare ever talk about her again."

He just shook his head. "Ok, fine. Then go and die if you like. Whatever. But if you change your mind… we're having a barbecue at the field tonight. They'll all be there and the girls too. In case you want to come…"

"Yeah, whatever, just leave."

Paul shook his head and slowly closed the door after he went out. I let out a deep breath and stood up, slowly walking towards the door and looking after him until I couldn't hear his steps on the staircase anymore. I let myself sink down the doorframe and closed my eyes, laying my head on my knees. He really showed up. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry and though I was upset that he actually stood in my door, I was... happy. It was good to talk to him again, even though I practically just yelled at him. I know, you probably think I'm psycho, but wouldn't you feel good either if someone you almost already had forgotten showed up at your door and told you you're important to him?

Then why the hell did I yell at him? I didn't even know anymore. I guess I was just so… surprised to see him there. Or angry. That he just showed up there, making me feel the strange desire to go out and win my life back. But I couldn't do this so easily. I owed it to Julia.

Sighing I stood up again and fell on my desk-chair. I started the computer and hummed the melody windows-pc make shortly before the accounts show up. If you know what I mean. It's like daaadaaadeeedoooo. Or something like that.

Suddenly another unexpected guest stood in my door – my sister Mandy.

"Hey Nicholas!" she greeted and sat herself uninvited down in front of me on my desk.

"Uhm.. Hey Amanda?" I established.

She just laughed and ruffled my curls. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT FAMILY?

"Well…" she smiled mischievously. „I got a present for you."

I just groaned and rolled my eyes. "Spit it out."

Her smile grew a little wider and – meaner. "Say the magic word."

"Get your ass out of here!"

"Uhm, BZZZZZZ, Wrong! But don't worry, as the awesome sister I am, I will give you another try."

"Thank god," I called out ironically. "Just say what you want to say and get lost, okay?"

"Okay, okay, no need to become unfriendly! Wow.. My parents raised you bad." she mumbled and threw a little piece of paper onto the desk. "Your beloved Miley wrote."

"She isn't my beloved…" I murmured and ripped the later open. Halfway through I stopped and looked at her, she was watching me curious.

"What?" she asked and ran her hands through her shiny blonde hair and smiled friendly. Yeah, like that is stopping me from kicking you out.

"Out." I ordered and she just rolled her eyes and stood up. "Fine, I want to give you a little privacy with your love-letteeeeerrrrr…" she teased and grinned, then she opened the door and was almost out when she stopped in her tracks. "Oh, before I forget…" she pulled a little package out of her sweater-pocket and threw it on his lap. "Cookies, I made them with Frankie yesterday."

Suddenly her face turned very serious. "Nick, please eat some… They're really good, chocolate chip, we made your favourites." she bit her lip, waited for a response.

I think I already told you, but my older sister wasn't as stupid as my parents. She noticed something was wrong with me a month after Julia died and tried to convince my mother and me since that day that I was anorexic. Hah, as if.

"Nick," she asked again, more quiet this time. "Please… just eat one or two."

I sighed and turned my head towards her. "Fine."

"Promise me?"

"Yes."

She smiled satisfied and left. I unwrapped the cookies and starred at them a few minutes. They really seemed delicious, gold-brown and the chocolate was a little melted and they smelled just yummy.

My stomach practically yelled at me for food, but I almost didn't notice the pumping pain running through my tummy, well, it had been pain the first days.

Now it was actually the only thing that kept me alive and gave me the feeling that experienced something that was as hurtful for me as it had been for her. I didn't care I looked like a ghost, my fingers thin and transparent, didn't have a single muscle anymore and I learned to control the dizzy feeling I was surrounded by nearly every day. I was numb and experienced the pain every day.

And it felt so good.

So I just threw the cookies in the trash and looked at the PC screen again. Then I remembered that I gave Miley my MSN screen name a few weeks ago and logged in to see if she was online – what was pretty unlikely, after all it was only 6.30 in the US right now.

I sighed and clicked my way through the PC until the chat-window popped up and I smiled – seeing the little online written under the name 'Smiley92'.

**MrPresident92: Hey **

Smiley92: Oh my gosh, hi!

**MrPresident92: OK..this is weird, haha :D**

Smiley92: Definitely… but it's cool to be able to talk to you without waiting a week for a reply.

**MrPresident92: Hey, it's not my fault these post guys are so lame!**

Smiley92: I was kidding!

**MrPresident92: Haha, I know.**

Smiley92: You're one weird guy. Why thanks. Haha… so.. what are you planning on doing today? It's already 12.30am there, right?

**MrPresident92: Right… I don't really have anything to do.. so … **

Smiley92: Why not? It's Saturday, right? Are you German kids just sitting around on weekends or what?

**MrPresident92: No…actually… I have an invitation for a barbecue tonight… but I won't go.**

Smiley92: Why's that?

**MrPresident92: It's… stupid.**

Smiley92: Oh come on. You wanna go. I know it. You also do. Go out and have fun boy! Plus there is awesome food, hot dogs (eww), burgers and all that yummy salads…

** MrPresident92: We don't grill hamburgers here. Only hot-dogs. Without the bread around it and stuff. Only sausages.**

Smiley: Ewwwww. I love burgers! And… what do you grill if you don't grill burgers?

Steaks? You are weird people… Whatever, I think you should go.

**MrPresident92: Oh.. and what makes you think that?**

Smiley92: THE FOOD plus you can catch up with your friends! You told me you haven't been going out for a long time…

**MrPresident92: Yeah, whatever.**

Smiley92: Don't pout.

**MrPresident92: Ugh.**

Smiley92: Will you go?

**MrPresident92: I don't know.**

Smiley92: Prreeetty pretty please?

**MrPresident92: Maybe.**

Smiley92: With cherry on top?

**MrPresident92: Fine… I mean… It won't hurt me, right?**

It wouldn't hurt me, right? I could go, see what it's like and just leave again. There was no way I'd stay longer than an hour but, hey, maybe it was really good to catch up with my old friends again? It was not like I had anything to lose.

At 9 'o clock I got up the stairs and opened the front-door. "Mom, I'm out!" I yelled and left – not waiting for a response.

Slowly I walked to the soccer-field, hands in my pocket and kicking a little pebble in front of me with the tip of my shoe. What would the guys say if they saw me there again? Of course, we saw each other and school and said hi and stuff, but… I didn't really talk to one of them for a half month.

When the soccer-field came in sight I slowed down a little bit and strolled casually to the little wooden-hut, well, it wasn't really a hut, more a little shelter, no walls or doors, just 4 poles and a roof.

I could already see a few shady figures standing a pretty poor bonfire. As I came closer their heads turned in my direction and I could see their puzzled expression.

"Who is this," I heard George's dark voice ask and someone I couldn't recognize because it was too dark shrugged his shoulders.

"Wait, is that…" Paul smiled, "NICK," the blond boy ran towards me and pulled me in a short hug. "Dude, you really showed up!"

"I guess so…" I mumbled and immediately felt uncomfortable again. I HATE if someone touches me. Unless if I was in love with them. And that wasn't the case here for sure.

"Nick!" George came out and gave me an awkward high-five because I missed his hand. "Good to see you!"

After a few minutes of pointless standing and rambling about how good it was to finally see me again, we went 'in the hut', where the girls were sitting on a couple of old benches. 'The girls' were the girlfriends of some of the guys, though I only knew one, Max's Girlfriend Lena, they had already been a couple before I decided to shut down my social life.

"Hey.." I murmured uncomfortable and held my hand up to something like a short wave.

"So…" Paul stood next to me and had his arm wrapped around my shoulder, probably a friendly gesture but it annoyed the hell out of me.

"So, this is Lena, but I guess you still know her, Laura, Sören's girlfriend, Jessica, Aaron's Girlfriend and Anna." he smiled. "My girl."

The blonde-haired girl shot him a loving smile and looked at me friendly. Damn, she was pretty. Her hair was all wavy and went on to her shoulders, her hazel eyes were absolutely perfectly shaped and she almost didn't wear any make-up, just a little bit mascara. She wasn't pretty. She was beautiful.

"So… You want a steak Nick?" Paul asked and patted my shoulder lightly.

"Uhm- what? Uhm, no no, I already had Dinner…" I excused me and hoped they wouldn't hear my growling stomach.

"Kay, but you'll take a beer, right?"

Before I could even answer someone pressed a bottle into my hand and I gladly took a sip. Alcohol right now sounded simply amazing. At least I could maybe displace the crap around me.

"So… Max came over and leaned against one of the poles. "How have you been? Are you coming to soccer-practice again anytime soon?"

"I don't know…" I answered and shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe. We'll see." NO.

After a lot of pointless chatting later I sat on the back on one of the benches when suddenly somebody sat down beside me. Anna. Paul's girlfriend.

"Hi!" she handed me another bottle of beer over and smiled friendly. "What are you doing here all alone? Come back to the fire!"

"I… I'm just not really in the mood. Sorry, it was a stupid idea to come here in first place."

"Why? What is wrong? Was somebody mean to you?"

I couldn't help but chuckle and the totally serious way she said that. "No. They're all great guys."

"I know! And so now we're going back to them, alright?"

I sighed. "No, really, it's OK… I'll just go home, I didn't plan on staying long anyway."

"Oh comeee onnn Nick! OK, then we'll go for a walk and you tell me what bothers you, ok?"

Why…what…. HUH? She didn't even know me and was more worried about my well-being than my parents!

"Uhm, I really don't think…"

"Alright, nice!" she grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the others, we walked towards the street and then she let go of my hand again. I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed. Oh crap. I gotta stop with these thoughts.

"So," she put her hands in the pocket of her sweater and looked at me expectantly.

"So…?" I repeated, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

It was dark night, only the streetlights lit every 20 meters through the darkness.

"So, what's your deal? Why are you so… Sealed?"

"I am not." I mumbled, just giving a weak try to avoid this conversation.

"Of course you are." she answered. "Tell me about it."

"No."

"Yes."

I looked at her. "What makes you so sure I want to talk about it? I just want to go home, okay? Just back off."

And she – just SMILED. She SMILED! I did my best to be rude and she smiled. Awesome. Now I can't even push people away from me, what COULD I actually still do? I was such a failure.

"So?"

"Listen Anna, you may be a nice girl, but… I just don't wanna talk about it."

"It's because of your girlfriend, right?" she stopped in her tracks and turned to me.

"Where do you –"

"Paul told me. And he told me that you don't talk to anyone of them anymore and that you… changed a lot. Even your looks. Nick, do you know you really don't look healthy?"

"Whatever."

"No, it's NOT whatever! What happened to you and your girlfriend is horrible, but you still gotta keep on living!"

Slowly I really start wondering why EVERYBODY keeps on telling me the same shit? "You gotta be healthy and stormy" – Miley, "You can't lock everyone out forever!" – Paul, "Please just eat one or two…" – Mandy.

And now Anna, the girl I didn't even know.

"Just leave me aloneeee…" I groaned, knowing she had to give up eventually… secretly hoping she wouldn't.

"What do you feel Nick?"

"Uhm.. what?"

"What do you feel? Tell me." I shot her a funny look and she sighed. "Please?"

"I feel… Not…good?"

She smiled gently. "Come on. You were just about to tell me."

She looked at me in the dark and suddenly she grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the sidewalk and sat down. She patted clapped on the spot next to her and I slowly sat myself down next to her.

Then, I looked at her. The orange light of the street-lights gleamed on her blonde hair and her dark eyes look at me expecting, serious but still soft.

"So, what do you feel?" she whispered again.

"I-I feel… Empty. A-and guilty. Left out and… un-.. unreal." Fuck, why was my voice shaking so much? "You know, I just… I-I-I don't get it! Didn't she love me enough? Did she think I wouldn't lover HER enough? Cause, I don't know, If I had done something differently, maybe SHE would be sitting next to me right now! And then.. Why didn't she tell me what she was planning? We told each other EVERYTHING! But now it turned out that it was all lies. She often talked about 'giving up' and then I promised her it would be OK again and she used to smile and kiss me and say she would never really do it, she loved me too much. And know I know that she was lying to me! How… could she? I gave her everything I had! And how could she not tell me she was suffering? How could she betray me like that?"

I shook my head and rested it down on my knees. After a few moments I felt a careful touch on my back, she was rubbing it gently.

"I'm sorry.', I heard her voice silently fly through the night. "I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't change anything." I whispered and sat up again. "I don't even know why I told you that." Then I sighed and stood up. "I'm just gonna go home now. See you around."

The blonde girl jumped up and followed me. "No, wait…"

I turned around. "Please, please, PLEASE just leave me alone, OK? I really.. I can't deal with this right now, Anna."

She bit her lip embarrassed and nodded hesitatingly. "But if you need someone to talk…"

I threw a "Thanks" at her, not meaning it.

At home I fell onto the bed and rubbed my face nervously, feeling an unfamiliar restlessness. I got up and grabbed Miley's letter, opened it and finally calmed down a little bit, though I couldn't stop fidgeting. But when I read about her sister my breath got stuck in my throat. She tried to… Oh my god, I was so glad she was OK, I was pretty sure Miley wouldn't survive losing her twin sister as well.

"Dear Miley,

I'm so glad to hear Demi's OK! I am so sorry, I hope she's gonna be happy again! And it's not your fault, what should you have done? If you had told your Dad she would've probably blamed you for breaking your promise and so… Well, it's not exactly the better way, but at least she's gonna get help now. You can't imagine how relieved I am, though I don't even know you or your family I'm SO glad they found her! Nobody deserves something horrible like a suicide in his family, it destroys so much and nobody is supposed to die at such a young age.

And your dad is an asshole. Sorry, but how can he blame you for your sister's death? I don't know what happened though, but even IF you had something to do with it is this nothing but inappropriate. An accident is never anyone's fault. Nobody wanted his daughter to die and maybe you should tell him. You shouldn't let him talk like that about you!

Wow, good to hear you are (partially) happy, If Joe makes you happy I'm happy too. And that just sounded like I'm your ex-boyfriend or something. I hope he treats you well and gives you everything you deserve, cause you deserve so much more than you would probably ever imagine.

Well, I was actually out today, like I promised you, and it was a total fail. The boys of my former soccer-team had a barbecue and my friend, Paul, invited me to come and I actually was there. But it was just plain stupid. They were treating me like I was out of glass and could break any moment and I also didn't want any company, so I just went home. But.. I met this girl, her name's Anna and she's Paul's girlfriend. She talked to me and… I felt like I could trust her. I told her about Julia and stuff and ended up running away, like I always do. I just don't want people get under my skin again, do you understand what I mean? Anyway, I don't think I'll ever see her again, so it doesn't matter.

I think I'm going to bed now, though I'm in this really weird condition…. I can't sit still or concentrate and I got no idea why, but it FREAKS ME OUT. And I just can't stop!

Okay, I'll just lay down and try to catch some sleep, I hope It's gonna stop when I sleep.

I'm not sure though. This is so creepy.

OK, goodbye, can't wait hearing from you!

-Nick

PS. Say Demi my best wishes and tell Joe if he doesn't treat you well I'll kick his ass. Even if he doesn't know I exist. This is NOT gonna stop me!"

A/N : HELLO PEOPLE! I know you probably think I live in a pineapple under the sea or something cause I was lost without a trace for such a long time ;)

So, I do not, I still am in freaking boring Germany, BUT I am getting my fall-break TOMORROW, then I'll work a week to get some money and THEN I go on vacation with my friends :) But I finally got out this chapter, these are about 4,000 words what is just WOOOW for me. I just couldn't make it shorter, I felt like everything was important, though I think it's pretty boring to read.. don't worry, there is some drama coming up soon :D

AND i wanted to explain to you why I called this mysterious girl Anna. I DIDN'T name her after me, it was just... i planned this chapter out in my head and i just felt this urge to call her... Anna. I don't know why, I'm not even blonde, I'm a brownie :D Well, red headed since 4 days. One of my guyfriends girlfriends name is Anna as well, i guess i kinda imagined her when I made the Story-Anna up. I just felt like Anna was here name, haha, don't judge me!

Something different, I just wanted to let you know that my whole writing about suicide and stuff is not just some random topic I write about, one person of my family (I'm not gonna talk about who and how) committed suicide a few years ago, so I know exactly what I'm talking about and how you're never gonna get over it. I know what an occurrence like that is doing to a family.

So, I basically just wanted to say, If someone of you ever experienced something similar and thinks how I should maybe not be writing and whining about things I don't know, here you go.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing fine and are good! I personally cannnnn'tttttttt wait for Ashley's next chapter, I LOOOOOVE reading hers!

Have a nice weekend (tomorrow :P) and if some of you also get holidays: ENJOY THEM! They're over sooo fast.

So. I hope you didn't fall asleep and are still with me in this case:

Thanks for reading and I would really appreciate it if you would tell me your opinion to this chapter in reviews or twitter or just send me an owl :)

I heart you all! Xoxoxoxoxoxooooooo

Anna

Twitter . com / Anna_Fresh


	9. Chapter 9: Signs

As Joe grabbed me by the legs and swung me over his shoulder, I screamed. If someone walked by and didn't know how much Joe and I loved each other, they'd call the cops, thinking he was going to kill me, but he wouldn't. The only way Joe could kill me would be of a broken heart. That's a true fact. The thought of that made me think about Nick; how could he live without his love? Joe and I were destined for each other, I truly believe that. Okay, moving on.

Joe picked me up and swung me over his shoulder, I let out shrills of bloody murder and he laughed. Blood rushed to my head and I hit his butt.

"Let me down;" I laughed.

He laughed and put me down. We were at the football field at our school, it was game time. Friday night. He was in his football uniform and about to play his heart out. And I'd be on the sidelines, cheering him on.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. He smiled down at me. Putting my hand on his cheek, I placed a chaste kiss on his lips, not very long, but it was just enough. He smiled, but his eyes showed so much worry and stress. This was a game that was yet again, packed with college scouts.

"Hey, look at me," I said quietly as I cupped his face, "I love you so much. You are amazing and you know you can win this, okay?"

He nodded and wrapped his arms around my hips; he pulled me in close, so the only thing separating our body was our sport uniforms.

"I love you too," he whispered in my ear.

"Hey, Lucas," the coach yelled to Joe, "come on!"

" I'll see you after the game," I smiled before kissing him lovingly. He kissed back and then pulled away a few minutes later, "and win or lose, you get to take me home," I winked.

He kissed my forehead and smiled at me as I put his helmet on his head. I smiled and watched him run out to the field. The cheer team and I started our cheers.

Throughout the entire game, I cheered for them with my girls while my boyfriend ran the ball back and forth on the field. At the end, we won in overtime. By far, it was the best game he had played in his life. I screamed and ran to the center of the field. He saw me and put his arms out so he could catch me. Jumping into them, my legs wrapped around his waist and I kissed him passionately. My sweaty and tired boyfriend kissed back and wrapped his muscular arms around my petite body. A few moments later, I pull away.

"I'm so proud of you," I squealed happily.

"Thanks, baby," he smiled, "I honestly don't think that I could do this without you."

" Of course you could've," I laughed.

The scout from Stanford came up to them and I got off of him. Joe wrapped his arm around my neck and gave a hand shake to the scout.

"Great game, son. You play like that and I'm sure there will be a great spot for you on our team. And look," the older man smiled, "you even have your number one fan right here," he said nodding at me.

I blushed and laughed, "hi, I'm Miley," I shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you," he smiled, "where are you thinking of going?"

Joe squeezed my hand, alerting me of what to say.

"Well, my grades are really good, maybe Stanford," I shrugged. Never. But maybe. Definately somewhere near the love of my life. And plus, who even knew if he was going to Stanford. I had nothing to worry about...right?

My stomach turned and my head started spinning, I gulped, "excuse me," I smiled before running into the school. Going to the bathroom, I threw up, the third time that day, the twelfth time that week. I groaned.

Hearing footsteps, I walked out and wiped  
>my mouth. Emily saw me and paused.<p>

"Mi? We're you just...?"

I laughed lightly, "I just ate something funny this morning. It's no big deal."

"Mi, that's what you said on Wednesday," I said quietly.

I laughed, "Em, honey. You should go home and get some rest. You must be drained."

I laughed, "yeah, yeah, you're probably right." My best friend hugged me quickly and left.

Looking into the mirror, I gulped and watched tears stream down my face. I locked the bathroom door and put my hand over my mouth. Sliding down the wall, I started sobbing. I was caving in. And yet again, I was alone.

Looking down at my stomach, I let out a quiet wail. Taking my phone out, I called my mom. I knew she wouldn't answer, but it wasn't that big a deal. I just wanted to hear her voice.

"Hi, this is Natalie, I'm sorry; I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message after the beat and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Beep.

I hung up and pulled Nick's note out. Opening up, I started to read it and with every line and every word, I began to feel just a little bit better. Just a little bit happier.

Taking out a piece of paper, I grabbed a pen and started to write.

Dear Nick,

Thanks! :) Yeah, right now, Demi is in a rehab and will be back in a few weeks. I think it'll be good for her. Mom has no idea she's gone though.

Anyways, you know how I told you that Joe and I had sex? Well, we've done it a few times now and...I think I'm pregnant. I know, I know, that's be awful and such a whorish thing- at least that's what the others would think. I keep throwing up and I'm so worried, Nick. We can't have a baby right now. Who knows our future? We could end up at different colleges next year and break up. He's focusing on football right now. A baby would just get in the way.

And about the whole BBQ thing, at least you went! :) That's such an achievement! I'm project that you went. You deserve to be happy too. I know you miss Julia, but you should try to move on, you know? She chose to end her life. Not because of you or anything, but she chose to end her life and there's nothing you could have done to stop that.

Oh, and in school today, they were talking about the trip to Germany to meet you guys! :) It's in like six months & I'm pretty stoked. Joe is annoyed about it because I told him about you and he thinks that I should tell him everything, not a complete stranger, but I don't know...you make me feel safe, is that crazy? Right now, you are words on paper and a screen name on MSN, but letting my emotions out to you is really comforting. And you're hot, which is also a plus! HAHA!

Anyways, Joe's probably wondering where I am. He just won this huge football game :) & I'll be sure to tell him that you'll kick his ass if he breaks my heart. XD

Wishing You The Best,  
>Miley<p>

P.S- It was fun MSNing you ;)

A/N: Hey, it's Ashley, aka NileyFanForever. Sorry for my MIA...ness. It's been crazy here. I've been in the hospital three times since I last updated and yeah...but, I'm back and ready to update stories! This was supposed to be up on Thanksgiving, but I was hanging out with the family. Anyways, the next chapter is from Anna and I know you are all very excited about that! Peace. Love. Niley.

Oh, and do you guys want us to start up with the lyrics in the letters again? Let us know in a review! :) Have a great week and I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving (Americans)! :)


	10. Chapter 10: Happy Birthday

_Late night drives, all alone in my car__  
><em>_I can't help but start__  
><em>_Singing lines from all our favorite songs__  
><em>_And melodies in the air__  
><em>_Singin' life just ain't fair__  
><em>_Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone_

- Yellowcard

February 17th. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up, when I tapped to the bathroom to brush my teeth, when I grabbed and apple and walked out of the door to school.

February 17th. A Friday. It had been a Thursday last year. I thought of it when I wrote that stupid English-test and when I sat absent mindedly behind my desk. When Paul asked me to go to the movies tonight, when I faked my moms signature so I wouldn't have to go to gym-class.

I went downtown after school and bought the nicest flowers I could find at a little shop and I also bought a little pink candle, then I caught the 2.30 bus and exactly at 3.00 pm I opened the gate of the graveyard.

You could've probably blindfold me and I'd still find my way to her grave, under the big weeping willow and next to the little brown-ish lake, full of old flowers and burned out candles.

When I got to the bright white tombstone a little later I looked at it for a few seconds and then sat down with a sigh in front of it, gently stroking one of the little blue flowers who didn't seem to take the cold in February too well.

"Hey.", I whispered and sighed again. "I came out to… to celebrate your birthday I guess? Uhm… you remember last year? Your mom made that huge chocolate cake and you threw a bit in my face…. Thank you very much once again.. And I got you the silver-necklace with the two little hearts.. It still lies in your room on the desk. You left it there, you know? And you left your Blink182-Tour bracelet there too… You used to not even go out without it.", I shook my head.

"Can't believe you left that. So uhm.. I don't really have a birthday cake because it would've been weird to carry a birthday cake to a graveyard… Maybe you're not even here. I mean, maybe you are in heaven or somewhere else.. Or you're just fouling down there, but no. To me it feels like you're still here. I know you are. So, no birthday cake, but I got a candle."

I pulled out my lighter and lit up the candle while biting my lip, trying to not let the cold get me shaking. It was freaking freezing out here.

Soon the little yellow flame got thrown around by the wind and I carefully dug it in the potting soil so it wouldn't fall. Then I sat down again.

"So last year at that time… I was planning on telling you I loved you, you know? And whenever I thought the perfect moment had arrived you ruined it.", I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I thought an 'I-Love-You' would be the best birthday present ever but I mean, that's what you always did… I made plans and you ruined them. But that was a good thing, don't get me wrong. It probably would've been way too cheesy to confess my love under a starlet sky on your balcony, don't you think? That conversation in the locker-rooms at the gymnasium was way better. When I just blurted out on you because I couldn't wait anymore, I practically yelled at you. And you just looked at me and then you started smiling and said you loved me too and … it was nice. I wish we could have something like that again. Like… I could've told you that I was out with Paul again and someday I would've get accepted for a job and we could've gone out to dinner. Or you could've told me you were pregnant and I would just freak out and spin you around. Just like they do in the movies. Man… That would've been awesome. But whatever. Anyway, I still want to give you something. It's nothing fancy because… you don't have any use for that kind of things anymore I guess. So…here."

I carefully laid the worn out black and white photograph in the flowers.

"I hope you can see it, or…feel it or…whatever."

It was a picture from both of us in summer last year when we spent the night in a tent at my grandmas backyard. I know. Badass, to go camping in a backyard. But it still was nice. We had marshmallows and sausages and burned a whole in our tent because suddenly sparks were all around from the fire – turned out you should never use fuel that could explode. And after it we went inside and just cuddled, hidden under 4 layers of sheets and a sleeping back, yes, ONE sleeping back we shared. Needless to say everything that still laid in there the next morning was my elbow, the rest of my body was spread around the little tent. In one piece. That sentence sounded weird. It had been like hiding from the world, all we did was feeling each other's heart beach and telling each other silly little things that were to unimportant to care about but too important to be left unsaid.

What I'd give to be able to go back to those moments again.

"Boy?", I suddenly heard a small voice behind me and turned my back. There stood a little, old and wrinkly woman who seemed like being half my height.

"…Yes?", I answered insecure.

"Who are you talking to? Nobody's here and it's -8 °C (A/N: SUE ME, I GOT NO IDEA HOW TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY DEGRESS THAT IS!) here… Are you…alright? Should I call someone?", she looked at me and seemed really worried, kind of afraid that I was some psych or just insane.

"N-No…", my voice was shaking. "I-I'm alright… I was just about to go…", I stood up and glanced at the photograph one last time, whispering my silent goodbyes to Julia.

"Bye… and thanks for the concern.", I politely mumbled while passing the grandma.

Back to reality.

**Dear Miley,**

**you are WHAT? Are you sure? I mean, WOW, this is….. this is… I got no idea what to say! Are you sure? I mean, have you taken any test yet? Maybe it's just false alarm or… Or I don't know what it is, I'm no freaking gyn…**

**You GOTTA write me (or better tell me in MSN!) what's going on, I'm going crazy here! And I hope IF you are Joe is still gonna support you, because if he won't I can't control any of my actions.**

**Anyway. It's Julias birthday today… (I'm starting to think I talk about her way too often. You must be so bored with me and my ramblings about how lonely I am.) I wasn't up to anything else so I visited her grave and brought a candle. And then some old grandma thought I was crazy and then I left.**

**Anna and I texted a few times over the last days (You remember her, don't you? Pauls girlfriend.) and yeah. He invited me to go to the movies with the crew… maybe I will, we'll see. I wrote a lot of new stuff the last time, I'm such a loser. All I do is sitting in my room and writing melodies who pretend to be songs until I try to find lyrics who fit what I want to say.**

**So… I don't have anything else to say. Like I always haven't. I hope you're good, don't forget to keep me updated!**

**All the best,**

**Nick.**

Just when I went down the stairs to bring the letter to the postbox I suddenly started feeling dizzy. And then everything went black and the last thing I noticed was how my head hid the floor with a loud bang and the scream of my mother from the kitchen.

A/N: I am officially a loser. I couldn't get this done faster, I'm so sorry. I just have a really hard time to find inspiration…and again it's just some psycho-crap about Nicks feeling, though I promised you an actual plot. So sorry, I just can't think of anything else right now. Actually I wanted to write that one scene with Anna I've had in my head for such a long time.. Ok, maybe next time. I hope you're all doing well!

Side note from Ashley:

We've uploaded this story to our jonasbrotherfanfictionarchive page too! AshleyandAnna is our username. :) Uploads from Anna may be faster on there.


	11. Chapter 11: My Hands Are Holding You

As I unraveled the pregnancy test from the wrapper, I gulped nervously. This was it. My fate and destiny. The outcome of this test would could change my life for forever. I'm not ready for a child. I'm not prepared. It can't happen.

Sitting on the toilet, I sighed and waited to pee, but I was too nervous. I sighed in frustration.

"Peeeeeee," I groaned.

I waited a few more minutes.

"Oh come on! Peeeeee! Pssssssssssssssssss," I said in hopes of urinating. I leaned over and turned the water on. Floyd, one of my dogs, stared at me humorously. It was as if he was laughing at me on the inside. His eyes were glued.

"Look away," I whined at him. He let out a little squeak and turned his head away, "thank you."

I felt myself start to pee and smiled, "yay!" Tilting my head, I realized that I just 'yay'ed because I started peeing, a laugh escaped my mouth. I took the test, finished my business and waited. And waited. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I paced around the bathroom and Floyd was right on my tail, following in my footsteps. Finally the timer dinged and I went over nervously to look at the test. Picking it up, I tried to open my now creased shut eyes, but couldn't get myself to look.

"Open," I groaned, "OPEN!" I peeked out of one eye and saw a blue "-" sign. I sighed in relief.

"Thank gosh!" I did a little happy dance and started pumping my fists in the air, "oh yeah, uh huh, oh yeah!"

The white bathroom door slowly opened and Joe poked his head in, "you know, you don't have to satisfy yourself in the bathroom. I can satisfy you even better out here. You just had to call," he joked.

"I was not! Shut up," I laughed. When he got here, I asked myself. Floyd jumped up and hit Joe's legs his paws. Joe picked him up and my puppy licked his face.

He scrunched his nose, "okay, stopppp," he wined.

I laughed. He froze when he saw the white and purple plastic pregnancy test in my hand. I threw it away and walked out of the bathroom.

"It's negative. Don't worry," I laughed.

He flopped onto my bed, Floyd jumped up and laid on his stomach, "you thought you were pregnant?"

I walked over and sat next to him, on the middle of the bed, "I wasn't sure. My period is late and I've been throwing up a lot. It's probably just a bug or something." I shrugged.

My handsome hunk of a boyfriend sighed and pulled me into his arms, "you should've told me. We could've gone through that together."

"You have enough stuff on your plate right now," I sighed, "with the scouts and football...there was no room for me to tell you."

"Oh come on," he sighed, "you know you're my first priority."

"No, football is your first priority and it always will be and that's fine, baby. Football is your future."

His tan skin rubbed my arm, "you're my future."

"Maybe," I shrugged, "there's no definite answer to that right now. All these scouts are watching you under a microscope. And I'm proud of you for that, but I just..."

"Where the hell is this coming from," he asked, "is that German guy putting ideas into your head?"

I laughed and straddled him, Floyd hmphed and jumped off the bed, "Nick? No. Of course not. It's just that it's the truth. Most people don't stay with their high school love."

"But some do. And we're not most people, we're us. And I love you."

I smiled, "I love you too, Joey." Cupping his cheeks, our lips collided and passion filled our bodies. He pulled me close and flipped us over so he was on top. The rest of the night was amazing. We spent the time whispering sweet things to each other and making love.

In the morning, I woke up and smiled as I saw a handsome naked man lying next to me. He was mine. All mine. And I couldn't be happier about that. He made me forget all my other troubles for a little while.

I heard the door open downstairs and looked at the clock, six am. It was too early for me to be up and too early for anyone to come in or out of the house. I put my black silk bathrobe on and crossed my arms before walking out of my room. I grabbed a baseball bat from Trace's room and went to see what was going on in the pitch dark of the downstairs. The kitchen light was on. What? Was a bum hungry or something? I walked in on my tip toes with the bat held high and saw a brunette putting the milk back into the fridge. She turned around and I gasped, dropping the bat. It was my mother.

I shook my head disgusted, "get. Out," I hissed.

She sighed and walked over to me, "sweetheart-"

"Dont fucking talk to me! You've been gone for months. You can't just come back here acting like everything's okay. It's not. It's. Not. I've covered your ass for months and I can keep on covering it. You've missed too much."

"I know," she said, "that's why I'm back."

"Where were you? Where were you when Demi ended up in the hospital because she tried committing suicide? Or when Trace got even deeper into the drugs? Where were you when the anniversary of your daughter's death rolled around or when I had a pregnancy scare? Not here. You weren't here. You don't belong here. You don't deserve to b-"

"Miley," my father asked walking into the kitchen, "what do you mean you covered for her? What do you mean when Trace got deeper into drugs? Since when has he been into drugs? And you had a pregnancy scare? What? When?"

I blankly stared at him, "if you paid attention to anything other than work, you'd know all of this," I said a few moments later.

He sighed, "come on. Don't be like that. Talk to me. Talk to us."

"What us? Mom left. She wrote a note and left," I said.

"What," he asked confused, "but I got an -"

"An email saying she was on a business trip. I know. I wrote that. I hacked into her email account." I went into my purse and handed him the 'goodbye' letter.

My father looked at the backstabbing wench, "is this true?"

"Dear, I can explain," she sighed. I shook my head in disbelief.

"If y'all don't mind, I'm going to go and snuggle with my boyfriend and fall asleep. And yes, daddy, we're sexually active. I had a pregnancy scare. It was negative, have no fear," I rolled my eyes and went back up the stairs to my room.

Joe was snoring lightly on my bed, wrapped in the covers. I giggled and locked the door. I took my robe off and formed my body to his after lying on the bed so that we were spooning. He wrapped his arms around my waist in his sleep and I got as close to him as I possibly could. I let out a content, but stressed sigh and grabbed a piece of paper and Nick's letter, that I had gotten yesterday. I read his scribbly handwritten letter and started my reply.

Dear Nicholas,

Yup, full name. I don't know why. Just kinda felt like it. Lol. I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, thank God. My life would've been o-v-e-r if I was pregnant. And I told Joe about it. We had a little bicker about it because he told me that I should've told him and I told him that his main focus was football and that I was okay with that, but it was the truth. Because it is the truth. Football is his future. He says I am, but who knows, right? Anyways, my mom came home like fifteen minutes ago. I know, if you're going to be gone for so long, why bother ever coming back, right? Like its been months. About five actually since she left. Why come back now? I just don't understand. I stood up to my father finally. I feel proud, but I have a feeling he's going to kick Joey's ass later. Speaking of Joe, I'm lying in his arms right now. He's sleeping. Sound asleep. Zzzzzz. I wish I was, but there's too much information flying about in my head. I wish I could talk to you. Like on the phone. I don't know why, but I just think it'd make everything a whole lot easier.

Cheerleading has been going well. We have a competition soon that we're working hard for. And the guys have an away game next week. Should be fun. ;)

Did you realize we're going to meet each other in four months? I'm so excited! Like you have no idea how excited I am right now. It could be awkward, probably not though. I don't know. It just feels like we get each other.

Anyways, dream world is calling my name.

Waiting,

Miley

Why Are You Striving These Days?

Why Are You Trying To Earn Grace?

Why are you crying?

Let me lift up your face just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

To where will you go, child. Tell me where will you run. To where will you run?

Cuz I'll be by your side wherever you've fallen.

Dead of night, whenever you're calling.

Please dont fight these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.


	12. Chapter 12: Find A Cure To My Life

Chapter 12 : Find a cure for my Life

**Find a cure**

**find a cure for my life**

**Put a price**

**put a price on my soul**

**Oh my god**

**oh you think I´m in control**

Ida Maria

_Nick… Nicholas! … Nick… Nicky…_

_Is he going to be OK again?_

_Nick!Baby…_

_Nicholas…_

_Nick…_

_How about we go and grab something to eat until he wakes up? No Mom.._

_Nicky.._

_Nick…_

My eyelids fluttered open.

"Nick?"

I stared right into my sisters hazel eyes. She sighed loudly. "I'm so glad you finally woke up kid! What the heck were you thinking?"

I just made a grimace. "W-What?" My head hurt and there was a tube in my arm. Ew. Put it away. I don't want tubes in my arm.

"What is that thing doing there?", I asked groggily and tried to shake it off. My sister immediately grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Nick, don't! That's an infusion!"

"Why would I have an infusion?"

"Because you're in hospital!"

I starred at her. "Why would I be in a hospital?"

Her facial expression suddenly changed and she let go of my arm. "You, of all people should know that best." She looked so incredibly accusing that I immediately got a bad conscience, even though I didn't even know what I did to deserve it.

"You know Nicholas, If one doesn't eat for MONTHS, ONES body usually doesn't take it that well. Anything there that reminds you of something?"

I could feel the blood rushing into my face. "I did eat."

"Oh yeah? How much? A toast a day?"

I swallowed hard and began playing with the aseptic blanket they put over me to hide that ugly, emaciated shell of mine.

"Leave me alone.", I mumbled.

Mandy shook her head and supported her chin with her left hand. "I knew it."

I shrugged a bit. "I know you knew it. You annoyed me with muck all the time."

"And with 'muck' you mean groceries?"

"Whatever."

Now she sighed a bit louder, more aggressive, more annoyed. "What is wrong with you Nick?"

"Leave. Me. Alone.", I repeated and try to hide behind the sheets, who smelled like unfamiliar people and washing powder. What is wrong with me? What is WRONG with me? Oh nothing, except that I'm absolutely worthless, ugly, guilty, useless, insane and weak. I entrenched myself a bit deeper under the covers and tried to shut everything out. The annoying beeping of the machines in the room, the buzzing of the light, the presence of my sister, my breathing. But then I felt someones hand on my head, stroking it softly.

"They're going to help you Nick. I know you don't come out of there without help."

I didn't say anything. I didn't WANT to come out of there, that's the Problem. Or maybe that's the same thing.

"So, how do you feel about that?"

They gave me a therapist.

I've been here for two days now and everything those people did were smiling sympatric at me and changed the sheets on my bed. OH and now they send me to a therapist. Thank you very much, good to know my parents' security contributions are being used for a good reason. All I could do was staring at this elderly woman, how on earth am I supposed to take someone like that serious?

"Nicholas, would you give me an answer?"

Her gray hear bobbed up and down with every move, the curls were obviously screwed with a lot of chemicals and hairspray. If that was real hair.

My head shot up. "Uhm, sorry, what?"

"I was asking how you feel about the relationship between you and your family.", she repeated with a sticky sweet voice.

I just squinted my eyes. "Uhm. Good? In general I mean, uhm… alright?"

She nodded and her hair bobbed again while she wrote something down on her clipboard. "And how do you feel about your body image?"

Will someone please shoot me?

An hour later I sat in my room again, in sweats and an old t-shirt that said:'Don't worry, be happy! :-)'

My mom packed my suitcase while I was here, this is so embarrassing. And don't you think it's kinda ironic to wear a shirt like that in the psychiatric department of an hospital, where ¾ of the people are suicidal and/or depressive? I should probably be ashamed about that.

When I came back a pink envelope laid on my pillow and a box of mars-bars. Mandy's presence was really unobtrusively. But I didn't feel like eating (No comments on that please.) and put on my converse to walk around a bit. This room is boring. So I grabbed Miley's letter and my water bottle and started my exploration journey through the psychiatric department. Unexpectedly, I didn't find anything interesting except a man running through the hallways and yelling something about Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, planning a plot against this hospital, she even built armor-ramps in the garden and a girl, probably around 8-ish, with a tattoo on her throat and black bangs that were disguising her eyes. I wasn't like those people here, right? T?

Soon, I came to the so called 'Community-Room', at least I guessed it was one because the billboard on the door said 'C mmu it Roo ', and it looked like someone bit off the missing letters. It smelled like stale smoke, feet, and a cheap scented spray.

I took a step in and sat down on one of the worn-out sofa-chairs that seemed to be clean. Except the missing fabric on the edges and a spot that looked like old coffee. The TV on the other side of the room made quiet noises and I couldn't help but notice it was no flat-screen but one of those old huge boxes that reminded me of my childhood.

Suddenly something moved on the other side of the room and at first I thought it was a chair, but then I realized it was a young girl with a shirt in the same colour like the sofa. She didn't even glance at me, she seemed to hang on every word of the old man on the TV. Do you say hi to your psycho-fellows?

I guess not. So, I just laid back and took a sip of my water. Then I remembered Miley's letter and ripped it open.

'Dear Nicholas,

Yup, full name. I don't know why. Just kinda felt like it. Lol. I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, thank God. My life would've been o-v-e-r if I was pregnant. And I told Joe about it. We had a little bicker about it because he told me that I should've told him and I told him that his main focus was football and that I was okay with that, but it was the truth. Because it is the truth. Football is his future. He says I am, but who….'

"What are you doing here?", my head shot up and I looked around. Nobody except sofa-shirt was here, so I guess she was the one the voice belonged to.

"Uhm, sorry?"

She now sat up a bit, Indian style. "I was asking what you are doing here."

I bit my lip. Was that some kind of trick? "I'm… sitting?"

She waved her hands around as if she wanted to scare away a fly. "No, what you're doing here in general. Oh, come on, don't act all dumb on me."

Oh, it's nice to meet you too, girl with the ugly-coloured shirt.

"They say I'm depressive."

"But you're skinny too.", she pointed at my collarbone that was clearly standing out.

"So what? You're skinny too", I spat.

"Yeah, but I'm bulimic."

Is that the way you're introducing yourself here? You don't ask for a name, you ask for a mental disease?

"Maybe.. I don't like to eat?"

She snickered. "So you're anorexic."

I sat up straight. "I am NOT anorexic, OK?" Why does everybody keeps telling me the same shit? I don't avoid meals, I don't throw away the food they give me, I don't hate my bod- Oh. Shit.

She brushed her long bangs out of her eyes and leaned a bit forward. "I'm Lena by the way."

"Nick." She came nearer and sat down on the chair next to me, holding her hand out. I shook it and saw a flash of a row of neatly set dark-red lines under her sleeve. I know that she know I saw it because her eyes left mine for a second and wandered to the spot I just discovered. Then our eyes met again.

"How long have you been here?", she asked and shook inconspicuous the sleeve over her wrist again, not breaking the eye contact.

"Two days."

She chuckled again. "And for how long will you be here?"

I shrugged. "Probably a week or something… My parents said I'll be back for the maths-test next week."

Her face suddenly seemed to became a bit darker. "Lucky bastard.", she whispered.

I didn't even want to ask… "For how long have you been here?"

"11 months.", she answered with a little sigh.

"Oh uhm….", I chocked a bit and coughed. "Okay then."

"So, what's that?", she asked and ripped the letter out of my hands. "Miley? What kind of name is that?"

"Give it back please…. And that's the name of my friend.", I said while biting the inner site of my cheek.

"Oh your FRIEND.", she grinned. "I see.", then she stood up and started reading the words out loud. "'Dear Nicholas….', why is that in English by the way? 'Yes, full name. I don't know…"

"Just give it back, okay? That's a private thing!"

She looked at me and snorted. "Oh my God, you really haven't been in here long enough." She came closer and held her forehead against mine. "Nothing in here is private, Handsome.", she laughed and kind of scared me at that moment. "Nothing. Not your weight, not your trash, not your wrist, not your underwear, NOTHING. " She took a step back and laughed bitterly. "But here's your love-letter back."

I took it and put it in my back pocket again. She stared at the wall, and seemed to be deep in thoughts. Then she looked at me again.

"Do you think I'm fat?"

I gasped a bit. "What? NO!". That girl looked like a skeleton, probably thinner.

"And do you think I'm disgusting?"

"No! Why would you even think that?"

She laughed a bit. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

I was so confused at that moment. "What?"

"Your lies."

Oh dear Lord.

"You are NOT gross or disgusting or fat or anything like that, okay?"

Again, she just smiled leniently. "You better do what they want you to do so you come out here as soon as possible. Such a waste for such a handsome guy like you."

"I will…" I mean, what else should I say?

"I don't think you understand.", she said then. "You have to THINK the way they want you to think. Just… just keep that in mind."

After she said that she ruffled through my hair and smiled, and for the first time in that whole 10 minutes I knew her it looked sincere.

"See you later Hot Stuff.", she winked and left the room, wrapping her arms around her fragile-looking body.

Dear Miley,

Thank God your pregnancy-test was negative! You can't imagine how worried I was! I'm glad that Joe reacted the way he should've. Because if he hadn't… well, you know. Fist fighting and stuff.

So… I've been… I've maybe been brought into hospital after I fainted at home? But don't worry, I'm as good as out of here. It just sucks they all treat me like a psycho now and control the way I eat. I met this girl here, her name is Lena, she is weird. Everyone here is weird, I don't belong here. So, I'll just do my best and stuff my face, gain a few kilos and then: Goodbye Weirdos.

My mom packed my suitcase and put a lot of random and old and ugly sweaters in it, so I'm looking like the biggest loser right now. I'm also kind of afraid they will control the letters I sent from here so I'll probably give that one to my sister and let her be the wingman.

Have I told you about my therapist yet? She's old and wrinkled and has this horrible tower of curls on her head and it just looks so fake that it's ridiculous. How can someone who went to college and made a master in psychology be so dumb to not see that? Peoples' stupidity amazes me again every time.

So, I'm going to sleep a bit now, it's almost 9, patient Nicky has to go to bed.

Seriously, I hate it here. I hope you're doing better by now!

Love,

Nicholas

(Yes, full name ;)

**A/N: Ok, this is probably the first of my chapters I ever liked? Is that a good or a bad thing? :D Anyway, I like that one, and I hope you do too :) My sister's name is Lena, but she is non-way related to the Lena in this story, I guess I just tend to give fictional characters names of the persons I'm the closest to, haha ;)**

**The Angela Merkel (Chancellor..) thing is a true story, by the way, someone who's dead now once said it when he was on morphine. I've actually got a whole new sight on the whole 'Death'-thing, I was at my friends funeral yesterday, he got hit by a car two weeks ago and was only 17. A lot of people are missing him down here, so maybe include him in your prayers when you pray tonight? Thank you so much.**

**I hope you're all doing good and btw, I have a twitter again, follow me annasux and talk to me and ask and stalk me! Sending you all my love! X**


	13. Chapter 13: Cheers To The Broken Hearted

It'd been a week. A week since I'd gotten Nick's letter, a week since I found out the terrible news, and a week since my heart had been shattered. I hadn't replied to Nick's letter yet, though I'd wanted to. I just didn't know what to say? What was I supposed to say to this man I hadn't ever met in person about this whole shitty situation?

_Dear Nick, hi! I'm sorry you're in the psych ward...could I join you? Because all I want do right now is die, my heart is smashed. I caught Joe fucking the brains out of a girl who wasn't me..._

Because that letter would go oh-so well...not. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to tell him what I had to say. I stared at the field trip papers our teacher had handed out a few days ago and sighed, Germany. Seeing how I was going, I sort of had to write him back, not to be rude. To be honest, Germany was the only thing that I was looking forward to at the moment. Well, that and graduation, which was three weeks after we got back from the trip. I'd gotten a german language tape so that I could at least try to talk to this dude, hopefully he spoke English as well as he read it, or we were screwed.

Anyways, Joe had cheated on me. I was completely blind sided by it, it was the last thing that I thought would ever happen. He was my rock, my everything, and I thought he was my soul mate. We'd just had a pregnancy scare, for God sakes! How could he do this to me? I had walked in on him in the girls bathroom. The girls' bathroom, of all places to fuck someone who isn't your girlfriend. What a douche bag!

**_-Flashback-_**

_After the third period bell, Demi and I headed into the bathroom to gossip and take care of our business. As we opened the door, we heard a loud gasp and then a whimper, "faster! Yes! Yes!" The girl moaned and the guy grunted a bit. My stomach dropped as I heard the explicit sounds. Demi covered her mouth trying not to laugh and I just looked down at the floor as if my world was ending. Walking to the stall where the sounds were coming from, I banged on the door as hard as I could with my clenched fist, making Demi jump in horror and confusion._

_The door opened a few moments later after I heard fumbling and whining. One of the school's biggest whores walked out of the stall and smirked at me as she fixed her shirt. Joe slowly looked up and cringed when he saw me. Courtney, the girl, giggled and winked at Joe before walking out. For a few moments, I was stalled, I just stared at the brown tiles of the bathroom until my eyes slowly looked up to see my boyfriend, the man I thought only loved me, the man I thought only touched me._

_"__Mile-" he started as he walked towards me._

_Demi gasped and shook her head, blazing fire bolts shined from her eyes as she looked at Joe with disgust. She finally understood why I was so bothered._

_I looked into his eyes and slowly nodded as I saw the remorse and guilt, "wow," I exclaimed quietly, my voice breaking, "wow. Just wow."_

_I bit my lower lip and watched as he slowly took steps towards me. My fist pounded into his chest and my hand slapped its way across his handsome face, leaving a red mark and a hand print. His head whipped to the side and he put his hand up to where mine had left a print. He looked at me again, "I-I'm sor-"_

_"__I don't want to hear it," I growled, "I _**_trusted_**_ you! I _**_loved _**_you! I was there for you always! And this is how you repay me?! What? Was I not good enough? Was I a terrible girl friend? Because I thought we had a great relationship. Sure, you know, we've had a few ups and downs, but I thought we loved each other."_

_"__We do," he whispered, "baby, this was the first time. She came onto me an-"_

_I couldn't help but interrupt him, I didn't want to hear his shitty excuses, "and what?! Your hard dick fell into her vagina? Let me guess, let me guess, wait, Dem, haven't you heard this line, sis? 'I was thinking of you the whole time, baby.' You know what Joe? I told you that if you ever cheated on me, it'd be over immediately, no second chances, no take backs. So guess what? Congrats. You're free, go fuck whoever the hell you want because we're done."_

_Tears came to both of our eyes as the words escaped my lips. He leaned down and kissed my lips one last time, "I'll always love you," he whispered._

_The words just sent odium shivers down my spine. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear those words fall from his lips ever again. He quickly left the bathroom and I walked to the mirror. Looking at my reflection, I quickly wiped my tears away and fixed my mascara, Demi walked to my side and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back and rested my head on her shoulder._

_"__It'll be okay, sis, you'll see," she whispered as she stroked my hair._

_I nodded and pulled away after pulling myself together, "y-yeah, you're right. He's just a boy anyways, right," I asked laughing lightly. My eyes directed themselves toward the mirror again as I placed a smile upon my lips, there's that mask again. I fixed my cheerleading uniform and took her hand, our fingers intertwined and we walked out of the bathroom and to our next class._

_Later that night, in our house, with my bedroom door locked, I sobbed as she held me tight. The mask came off and my heart showed it's true emotions, in front of someone. It felt good, even though I was heartbroken. It felt good to cry with someone else who wasn't my stupid ex-boyfriend or my mirror. It felt good to cry in my sister's arms because I knew that whatever happened, no matter what, if we were both breathing, we'd be there for each other._

**_-End Of Flashback-_**

People at school had been buzzing about the fact that the "golden couple" had broken up and Courtney wasn't afraid to spill that it was because she had been the source of the trouble. She wasn't afraid to tell people that she'd shown Joe a good time, but she'd made up the part that we'd broken up because she'd given him a better time than I'd ever given him. Joe had been sulking around school a bit, trying his hard to be happy, but he was beating himself up inside and that made me smile a bit. Meanwhile, I had already practiced enough so that I could simply look like I was fine with the whole situation, a smile, though it was fake, hadn't left my face at all during the school days. I was either smiling or laughing. My classmates had gotten used to the fake smile so they couldn't tell I was hurting, they thought I was taking the break up well, better than anyone else would've and all the girls looked up to me for that. When girls had asked me if I was okay, or my guy friends, I'd just laugh and say, "never shed tears for a guy, he isn't worth it". And they'd believe me and go about their business.

Then, I'd come home, do the housework, and walk up to my room where Demi would hold me as I let myself unravel into a depressed mess. The truth was, I didn't know how to get over him. I didn't want to know how to get over him though because this shouldn't have been happening. I should've been happily in love still. I shouldn't of had to change my relationship status on FaceSpace from "in a relationship" to "single". I shouldn't of had to burn my diary, and I shouldn't have a broken heart because the man that I'm in love with shouldn't have done what he did.

Turning my stereo up, I blasted the latest hits and grabbed a pen. Weather I liked it or not, I had to write the letter to Nick, and who knew? Maybe it'd help me to find some closure.

Dear "Nicholas" (AKA My Dork),

I'm hope you're doing better, I'm glad you're getting help, though I wish it had been before you collapsed. Eat, boy! Food is yummy! When I come to Germany, I will bring you some of America's finest foods and you better believe, you're going to scarf them down.

I write this letter with a broken heart. Joe and I are over. I found him having sex with another girl in one of the girls' bathroom in our high school. Although this whole situation sucks, it brought something good. He helped me learn right from wrong, he helped me learn how to love and how to love, and so much more.

My sister and I have been growing closer because of this. From birth, we've always been close, but ever since she tried to commit suicide, we haven't been as close. She's been distant. But now, after coming home from school, tired of holding up my mask, I can run up to my room after finishing the housework and she'll hold me as I release my emotions. It's nice to know that there's someone out there who'll dry my tears and let me. I thought I had to be strong for my sister, little did I know, she could be strong for me too.

I know that I told you my mom came back. Well, not much has changed, we just go about our business as if she'd never left. It disgusts me, but hey, it's not like they're really ever home anyways. I bet they still think I'm dating Joe, and it's been a week since the break up.

I'm praying that you get better and that you'll recover. I can't wait to meet you in Germany in a few weeks!

With love,

Destiny Hope Stewart (Full name. Surprised?)

P.S- I miss your song lyrics

P.P.S - I decided to write lyrics about our friendship this time, otherwise they'd be too depressing

Take me to the docks, there's a ship without a name there

And it is sailing to the middle of the sea  
>The water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen<br>Jump right in and swim until you're free

I will remember your face  
>'Cause I am still in love with that place<br>But when the stars are the only things we share  
>Will you be there?<p>

Money came like rain into your hands while you were waiting  
>For that cold old promise to appear.<br>People in the churches started singing about their hurts  
>You said "My God is a good God and He cares"<p>

I will remember your face  
>'Cause I am still in love with that place<br>When the stars are the only things we share  
>Will you be there?<p>

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands  
>I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons that I've learned<br>I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands  
>I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons that I've learned<p>

**A/N: I don't own the song lyrics, they're from Benjamin Francis Leftwich, a song called "Atlas Hands". if you haven't heard him, you're missing out big time, his CD is probably my favorite at the moment. It's a very different sound, but it's great! Anyways, sorry for the late update, my summer has been ridiculous! Thanks for reading! Review please? :)**

**Twitter:**

**WakingUp2Roses**


	14. Chapter 14: Lena

You´ve got your scars and you´ve got your birthmarks

You´ve got Toronto hiding on your hip, honey

You´ve got your secrets

You´ve got your regrets

Darling, we all do

Ten days passed until I held Miley's reply in my hands. Wow, that was fast. I ripped the envelope open and almost punched into my mattress. Joe that shit face. I'd always known that sucker would break her heart eventually. Some guys can be such douche bags. How cheap is it for someone to fuck a random girl in the school's toilet? I laid back and closed my eyes. I'd answer her tomorrow.

But I forgot it the next day And the day after it I forgot as well. I'd been here for almost 2 weeks now.

I really didn't do anything much except watch TV, go to my very useful therapist and play board games with Lena, the girl I met in the "C mm ty Ro m". She was pretty much the only one my age here, so we spent some time with each other, I wouldn't call us friends though. We were a partnership of convenience.

When I knew her for a few days I got used to her snide remarks, mood swings and pessimistic views on everything. She probably wasn't the nicest company to be around, but she was company. And I liked her in some weird way, when she wasn't angry at everything and everyone or too depressed to speak, she was a good person to talk to. The nurses also seemed to support our little loser-club, I heard the phrase "Nicholas, Lena, don't you guys want to go out and play volleyball?", with different modifications at least 5 times a day.

My mom an dad stopped by everyday to make sure I was doing fine and getting fatter and fatter, Mandy brought me Candy and books and even Paul and Anna stood in my room one time with a brand new video game and some beer, but got kicked out when the nurses found it in my bedside table. Nonetheless, it was nice to see they cared. I was going to be released tomorrow and I was craving for Elvis and my own bed. Just when I finished packing my suitcase, there was a soft knock on the door and Lena stuck her head in.

"Feel like playing Monopoly?"

I shrugged and stood up. Her look swayed over the closed suitcase and the neatly folded clothes on the bed.

"So you're leaving tomorrow?", she asked quietly.

"Told you..."

She nodded again and stood awkwardly in the door. "It's a shame. You were nice to hang out with."

I nodded again, this whole scene was so awkward. "You too."

She smiled a sad smile and put her left hand on her hip.

"Can you give me your phonenumber?", I asked with a smile. "I wanna keep in touch."

She laughed voiceless. "You don't."

"Uhm, yes I want to. I wouldn't have asked if i didn't want."

She chuckled again. "You're so cute when you're lying."

I let out a frustrated groan. "You know, the sad thing is that you're so deadly serious about that. You really think nobody likes you and you're so unworthy that you have to hurt yourself. That's so sad, Lena."

"Whatever.", she brushed it off and hugged her fragile body with her even more fragile arms. "Let's go."

When we got back to my room it was already half past 9, curfaw was at 9.

I sighed and flopped on my bed, closing my eyes exhausted, Lena sat down next to me. It was dark and we didn't talk for many minutes, the only thing was the steady tic-toc of the clock on the wall.

Suddenly, her hands traveled over my upper thigh, I could feel her shaking. I turned my head and looked at her. She smiled slightly at me and continue to stroke my hip softly.

"I'm going to miss you Nick.", she said softly.

"I-m going to-"

And suddenly her hand was in my pants. I gasped and stared at her. "What the hell are you doing?" I hissed quietly.

"Oh, don't tell me you don't like it.", she whispered and slowly started sliding her hand up and down.

Oh fuck.

I groaned quietly and tried to pull her hand out of my freaking boxer shorts but the fact that a part of my body - and that wasn't my brain - seemed to enjoy the actions down there very much which didn't make it any easier and I shivered.

"Lena, S-stop Ok?", I moaned quietly.

She smirked and picked up pace. "You DO like it."

"Why-... Urgh...", I just couldn't get the words out of my throat, it seemed like they were stuck.

"At the end of the day you're just another guy Nick. Don't even try to fight it.", she bowed down and gave me a soft peck on the lips.

I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

"Sleep with me.", she whispered softly into my ear and her curly hair tickled my cheeks.

I wrapped an arm around her before I groaned loudly and felt myself collapsing. She kissed my cheek and pulled her hand out of my boxer shorts, slowly stroking my stomach and sides. I didn't even know what was happening, I don't know why I did it. But Lena's warmth and her soft touch reminded me of something. Piece by piece our clothes fell onto the floor until She was left in her bra, kissing my fiercely. Our tongues battled for dominance and her skin radiated heat everywhere.

I slowly kissed her ear, roaming her body with my hands. She crawled under my body and pressed herself onto me as if she was drowning and I was the last rock to hold on to. I looked down at her, supporting me with my elbow and softly caressed her cheek. Then I softly stroke her damaged wrist, the ripped off skin on her shoulders, the burns on her stomach. The dark cuts on her hips, her flat breasts and the scratched off skin on her thigh.

I could feel her shaking, and I saw the silent scream in her eyes.

"You. Are. Beautiful.", I whispered and sweeped the single tears she lost away.

"You are absolutely, unbelievable gorgeous.", I went on, stroking her wrist. "I don't know why you can't believe that."

She looked up at me and bit her lip, trying to keep herself from sobbing. I kissed her again. She dug her fingers into my back and pulled me into her, the marks of her fingernails were still visible one week later.

Ten minutes later, we laid next to each other, out of breath, sweaty and shaking.

I fought a battle in my head, should I take her into my arms or should I not? I mean, after all she was everyone but the girl for body contact and cuddling. But before I made a decision she took it from me, Lena sat up and threw her shirt on again, pulling on her slip and sweatpants and then her socks.

She didn't look at me one single time.

"Lena?", I silently whispered.

Her eyes traveled towards mine and then back to her trembling hands that were pulling her socks over her feet, she had cuts even there.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. It's gonna destroy you."

She chuckled audible. "I already am destroyed, can't you see that? You'll come out of here tomorrow, I'm going to die in here.", she said crotchety.

I leaned on my side and supported myself with my arm. "Stop talking that bullshit! You are not going to DIE in here. You just need to stop throwing up and hurting yourself."

"Oh yeah?", she sounded bored.

"Yeah. You're ruining your life with that shit! Just stop it!"

"YEAH BECAUSE IT'S SO GOD DAMN EASY!", she suddenly yelled. "YOU DON'T GET IT, YOU'RE NOT JUST A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!"

God in heaven, please, please just tell me what I have to do to make her feel OK.

"Lena..."

"Just don't... 'Lena' me.", she spat and grabbed her sweater.

"Why-"

"I don't even want to talk to you right now.", she hissed and went to the door.

"Don't leave now, OK? Please! I'm saying this because I care about you! If you leave right now-"

Bam. A slamming door is an answer too.

I sank back in the sheets, rubbed my hands over my face and let out a frustrated groan. What the hell did just happen? Did i just...

"I'm sorry.", I murmured into the dark. It wasn't supposed to be happen like that. The girl after Julia should've been someone special, someone just as special as her. Someone who deserved my everything. And then I go and get weak because of a handjob. From a girl with chewed down nails, cuts all over her body and a horrible attitude to life.

And then I began to understand. Lena was Julia. Only in an even more miserable state.

And this time I was going to save her.


	15. Chapter 15: Fly

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the song "Fly" by Hilary Duff.**

I walked into class and smiled lightly at the view of the penpal letters on the desks. More of Nick was just a few feet away from me and I couldn't wait. How was that a guy that I didn't even know had this much control over my emotions? It made me both scared and impressed that just through letters, I felt so connected to him. And I was more than excited remembering that in just a weeks, I'd meet him. Casually, not wanting too show too much excitement, I made my way to my desk that held nothing. No letter. My chest tightened and my stomach knotted. Horrible thoughts ran through my head of why I didn't get a letter, but to me, only one made sense: he no longer cared.

"I'm sorry, Miley," the teacher said, "hopefully it's just running late."

But it wasn't.

"Alright, everyone," she continued...

I couldn't concentrate. I was so disappointed. It was clear as they shoved the letters into their backpack that my classmates didn't care about writing to their penpal, so why was I the one who didn't get a letter? It want fair and just yet another thing for me to fret about.

Apparently, all of my thoughts took an entire clas period because the next thing I knew, the bell was running and the itinerary for the trip was on my desk. I quickly picked it up and left the room. My mind was swirling, buzzing, and when I got to my locker, the last thing I wanted to do was take out the books for my next class. So I didn't. I walked out of the school, got into my car, and drove to the one place I knew I could always go, Douglas' house. Douglas and I had been friends since we were born, our mothers were in the same birthing classes and had become friends. He had graduated last year and luckily, he had no classes at the university on Mondays.

"Hey," he smiled while he opened the door.

I smirked, "hi. Can I come in?" The door opened more and I walked in, my eyes staying on him, "I have a proposition for you."

"Oh?"

"Sex. Just sex. No feelings, no drama. Just sex."

He looked at me confused, "are you sure that's the best thing right now?"

I nodded and pulled him over to me. His lips found mine and the next thing I knew, I was being pushed onto his bed. My cluttered mind became less clouded and passion and lust filled it.

Two Weeks Later

I packed the last of my things when a iMovie in my door cracked me out of the nervousness I'd felt for this trip and into something else- if only for a few moments.

"It's open," I called out.

"Ready for the trip," Trace asked me before sitting on the bed.

I looked at him and blinked. He rarely ever talks to me so why now?

"What do you want, Trace?"

"I just wanted to let you know that you should have fun, enjoy yourself. Don't worry about us here at home, I'll hold down the fort, okay?"

Again, I looked at him and blinked, "I'd rather you continue not to care, Trace. Let's be honest, you're the last person who can 'hold down the fort.'"

"I'm trying to get better," he mumbled.

I scoffed, "tell that to your coke stash. Face it, you never have and you never will care about this family. You didn't visit Demi when she was in the hospital, you never visited Noah. You didn't even go to her funeral! So excuse me if I'm not going to call you the poster child for loving your family. People are just going to have to fend for themselves while I'm gone and whatever happens, I'll pick up the pieces when I get home. Do not do anything though. I have worked hard to keep our family with the "everything is okay" image."

"You have. But it's not and one day we all need to face that."

I threw my head back and laughed, "get out," I said seriously, "now."

My older brother sighed and left. Deep down, I knew he probably meant well, but it didn't matter. He had multiple chances to show us that he cared. I guess he took more after mom than I'd thought.

I zipped up my bags, put them in the car, and took off to meet my class at the airport. When I got there though, the first person I saw wasn't my teacher, or a classmate, but the guy is secretly been hooking up with.

"What are you doing here," I asked Douglas confused.

"Just wanted to say goodbye. By the time you get back- I'm transferring to NYU."

I smiled, "that's great! But you need to keep in touch, okay?"

I put my bags down and cupped his cheeks. Partly because I wanted to, partly because I knew Joe was watching. I leaned up and kissed him deeply and next thing I knew, we were showing some intense PDA so I pulled away after a few moments.

"Good luck with everything," he smiled.

I nodded, "same to you."

He smiled lightly and walked out the glass airport doors. It was a weird feeling actuallly, I wasnt hurt, we'd never dated, but I was kind of refreshed. Like this whole "goodbye" to Douglas thing was good- a sign that I was independent now. A sign that when I got to Germany, I'd be single, and oddly enough, I hoped Nick would be too.

Our gate was called for take off and so we boarded the first class section. Finally, this was it. I was in the air, ready to meet one of the coolest guys I'd ever talked to. I was so excitied, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't nervous. Emily took my hand and I smiled at her, this would be good for the both of us- meeting new people, meeting our pen pals, I looked out the window and knew- this was going to be an interesting two weeks, but that it'd be well worth it.

I leaned back, shut my eyes, and put my headphones in, letting sleep and the music take over my every thought.

_Any moment everything can change_  
><em>Feel the wind on your shoulder<em>  
><em>For a minute all the world can waitLet go of your yesterday<em>

_Can you hear it calling?_  
><em>Can you feel it in your soul?<em>  
><em>Can you trust it's longing<em>  
><em>And take control?<em>

_Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away_  
><em>And you can shine, forget about the reasons<em>  
><em>Why you can't in life and start to try<em>  
><em>'Cause it's your time, time to fly<em>

_All your worries, leave them somewhere else_  
><em>Find a dream you can follow<em>  
><em>Reach for something when there's nothing left<em>  
><em>And the world's feeling hollow<em>

_Can you hear it calling?_  
><em>Can you feel it in your soul?<em>  
><em>Can you trust it's longing<em>  
><em>And take control?<em>

_Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away_  
><em>And you can shine, forget about the reasons<em>  
><em>Why you can't in life and start to try<em>  
><em>'Cause it's your time, time to fly<em>

A/N: Hey, this is Ashley. I'm sorry for the long wait. I know it wasn't ideal. I guess all I can say is we'll try to have chapters out sooner and get this story rolling with some Niley! Its been a tough couple of months for me: my best friends now hate each other, my one best friend told me he was gay (totally fine), and my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. But I did get into the college of my dreams and I love it! Anyways, I am very sorry about this lateness. We'd love some feedback! What do YOU guys want to see?!

Peace. Love. Niley.

Twitter:  
>WakingUp2Roses<p> 


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